4471 - Saturday jokes

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are all wrong.
It is actually San Andreas's fault.


I was sexually active at 12.
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.


A vegan said to me, "People who sell meat are disgusting."
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."


Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.


My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.
Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.


An old Ukrainian man is cleaning his rifle for the nth time when his young grandson bursts in the room.
"Grandfather, the radio says the Russians have gone to space!"
"All of them," he asks, putting his rifle down.
"No only one," replies the little boy.
The old man picks up the rifle and starts cleaning again.


What does a king call a vasectomy?
An heir cut.


My crush just messaged me...
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what a "ternative" is?


Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree...
After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”


I was gonna have my baby at the hospital downtown but then all the nurses quit and bought Corvettes.
I guess they were having a midwife crisis.


The police showed up at my door and claimed my dog chased a man down the street on a bike.
Not possible I told them. My dog doesn't have a bike.


The rule is put i before e.
I find that weird.


Did you hear about the Amish flu?
First, you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.


What do you call a person without a body or a nose?
Nobody knows.


Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking home one night when Sherlock Homes suddenly stopped.
"Dear God. I just stepped on something brown and icky. Tell me, Watson, was it mud?"
Watson looked back at what Holmes stepped on and said, "No. Shit Sherlock".


A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange, you will sell me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"


With the rise of self-driving cars, it's only a matter of time until there's a country song about a guy's car leaving him.


I recently took a pole.
I found out that 100% of the people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.