4485 - Saturday jokes

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican.
We’ll take the aliens, they get the predators.


Like my Grandad always said, "As one door closes, another one opens"
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.


How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
As mushroom as possible.


My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.
Personally, I’m on the fence.


Two tourists were traveling around Europe and had gone to the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
They stopped for lunch and asked the lady behind the counter, "Could you please pronounce the name of this place for us, and do it very slowly?" "The lady behind the counter then said, "Buuurrrgeeeeer Kiiiiiiiing."


Julie Andrews has officially stated that she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick, due to it crumbling easily and making her breath smell. She explained, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”


I got hit in the head with a can of Pepsi yesterday.
Don't worry, it was a soft drink.


My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.
I told her that sounded like a stretch.


I went to the shop to buy 6 cans of Sprite the other day.
It was only when I got home I realized I'd picked 7 up.


I remember paying $20 once to see Prince.
But I partied like it was $19.99.


“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.
It all happened after one guy changed his password.”


Me: I know a gay guy who sounds like an owl.
Friend: who?


Kid asks mom, "Mom, what is dark humor?"
Mom: "See that man over there with no arms? Ask him to clap".
Kid: "But mom I'm blind".
Mom: "Exactly".


Why is the nose in the middle of your face?
Because its the scenter.


Me: I just got the results of my genetic testing, and I'm shocked.
Dad: Hi shocked, I'm dad.
Me: No, you're not.


Success is like being pregnant.
Everyone just says 'Congratulations' but nobody knows how many times you were screwed.


My son asked me for help with paying for his transgender surgery. I was initially kind of on the fence and anxious.
I ultimately told him I would help but stressed to him that he realize that this kind of transaction takes balls.