4492 - Saturday jokes

Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven’t heard from him since.


People are complaining about this being the hottest summer in the last 150 years.
I'm more of a glass half-full kind of guy.
I'm thinking of it as the coldest summer in the next 150 years!


Why do German girls all have the same phone number?
Seriously, every one of them I ask says 999-9999.


With great reflexes...
Comes great response ability.


I was offered a job as a noise pollution officer.
But I had to turn it down.


I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk.
But I never got the chants!


The testicular cancer society called me and said, “Did you get our email?” I said, "No".
They said, “Then you better check your junk.”


My mom and dad were both dwarfs.
All their lives they struggled to put food on the table.


The guy who invented USB died.
At the funeral, they kept turning the coffin around trying to get to fit in the hole.


Why did the chicken hold a seance?
To get to the other side.


What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the Queen?
Murdered in a tunnel in France.


Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.
I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.


I told my doctor, “I have a problem with the hearing in one of my ears.”
He said, “Are you sure?”
I said, “Yes, I’m definite.”


Woman: How about we go out for dinner tonight?
Man: I don’t date married women, I’m sorry...
Woman: ...but, I’m your wife.
Man: I make no exceptions.


Where did Noah keep the bees?
In the Ark hives.