4499 - Saturday jokes

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
...
I'm shocked to see a decent joke.
I was pretty ex-static!
Someone recognized my potential.
Are you positive you have any?
Not currently.
You should have ample time to think this through.
You'd think, but I'm meeting a lot of resistance.
Wire are you getting resisted tho?
Ohm my, I see what you mean.
If I told this to my dad, I would've been grounded.
I was totally amped.
I was pretty electrified myself.
There’s a battery of tests for that.
This joke is re-volting.
Wait,..watt?
What happens next will shock you.
Plenty of Jules here.
This joke has been making the circuits.
This is beyond my capacitance.


At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner and make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common.
He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No” she replies.
“You just happened to catch my eye.”


My local priest said I was the most handsome boy he had ever laid eyes on.
I was touched.


I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids...
In one ear, out the other!


A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."
Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."
Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."


My garage was broken into and all of my limbo equipment was taken.
I’m mean seriously, how low can you go?


(Sorry girls, but I lol'd at this one)
A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard".
She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass".
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down".
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good".
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard".
He gets really pissed off and starts to walk out the door.
She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upside down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down".
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house.
She yells, "Where are you going"?
He says, "I ain't messing with anybody who can drink that much beer"!


I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.
I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.
After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quickly hide under the food again.
I knew I had seen some eyes so I went over to the server and said, 'Excuse me but there's something alive in that tray.'
He replied, 'Oh, that's the Peking duck.'


A son asks his father, "What's an alcoholic dad?"
The father replies, "You see those four trees son, an alcoholic would see eight".
The son replies, "But dad, there's only 2 trees over there".


Hector, an 80 year old man, was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started breast-feeding her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she told it, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, Hector, the anxious old man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"


I read having too much sex can cause memory loss...
It was on page 37 of a medical journal...
In November 2006 at 4:19 pm.