4503 - Saturday jokes

I almost forgot to come back. And that's no joke. I may need more weekdays off.


A man is on trial for cannibalism. He says to the judge,
"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."


I saw two kids fighting on the elementary school playground and being the only adult around, I had to step in.
Little bastards didn’t stand a chance.


Mr.S is talking to Mr.B. Mr.B your bathroom is the same exact size as my bathroom. I need to buy tiles. How many boxes did you get when you did yours?
Mr.B: 20 boxes of tiles!
A week later...
Mr.S sees Mr.B: Hey asshole! I did the tiles in my bathroom and I got stuck with 7 extra boxes.
Mr.B: Me too!


My doctor told me today that I was too sweet.
Well, her exact words were, "severely diabetic", but I knew what she meant.


I’ll never forget the words of my late grandfather.
“Sorry, I’m late again.”


What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a French bathroom?
Linoleum Blownapart
Bidet-boom bidet-bing!
Sacre blew!


The French train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude... My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, but you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."


I’ve decided to become an organ donor.
That way when I die an elephant gets a new trunk. :)


Not to brag, but I just finished this 14-day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.


If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you
Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?
.
They clearly weren't your solemate.


My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.
But I laugh more.


The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.
I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.
I wonder if poaching kids is illegal?


An Australian is driving down a country road when he passes a New Zealander having sex with a sheep.
The Aussie slows down and yells out to the man:
"Oy! In Australia, we shear our sheep!"
Without pausing, the New Zealander shouts back:
"PISS OFF! I'M NOT SHEARING 'ER WITH ANYONE".


I took the HOV lane underground when suddenly my hands started cramping on the steering wheel.
Must be my carpool tunnel syndrome.


A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger.
A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.
The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.
"Hey, ma-"
"HOLY F**KING SHIT!!!! The driver abruptly hit the breaks.
"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologized, "Sorry, man. It's my first day on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."
"What did you do before this?"
"I drove a hearse."