4623 - Saturday jokes

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.
The judge asks her, "First offender?" She replies, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."


A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer.
"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"


A cowboy emigrated to Wales and opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.


A cop pulls over a guy on a motorcycle and asks him for his name.
"My name is Ed," he said.
"Just Ed? no last name?"
"Just Ed."
"Care to explain?" asked the cop.
"Well, it started a long time ago. I was Ed Johnson. As a kid, I always wanted to be a doctor. So I studied hard and finally graduated medical school. From then on, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D. After a few years, I wasn't happy and decided to pursue my true love. Dentistry. I went back to school and got my D.D.S. From then on, I was Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. Things were good till I got V.D. from sleeping with one of my patients. At that point, I was known as Ed Johnson, M.D., D.D.S. with V.D. Well, the board found out I slept with one of my patients and stripped my D.D.S from me. Shortly thereafter, the AMA took away my M.D. I was now just Ed Johnson with V.D. a few years after that, the V.D. took my johnson due to infection.
Now I'm just Ed."


What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
They're both meat substitutes!


A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins.
"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.
The preacher responds, "Why do you think that?"
The girl tells him, "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am".
Then the preacher tells the girl, "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's just a mistake"


I couldn’t believe when my girlfriend said that she has an abduction fetish.
But she demands to be taken, seriously!


Guy at the hospital: "Nurse, you've been so kind and sweet to me. Would you please come and visit me when I get out of the hospital?"
Nurse: "Nah, graveyards give me the creeps"


I challenged number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.


I told my girlfriend the saying, “you are what you eat” is total BS.
She responded with, “then why are you such a pussy?”


Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?
The I.C.U.


I decided to kill off a couple characters in the book I’m working on.
It will really spice up my autobiography.


Daughter: What are those things called that you blow and make wishes?
Me: A breathalyzer


Today I learned a school of piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds.
Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.