4530 - Saturday jokes

Dude 1: Hey, bro?
Dude 2: Yeah bro?
Dude 1: Can you pass me that pamphlet?
Dude 2: Brochure


My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"


I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.


I went to a costume party dressed as an egg and I met a girl dressed as a chicken.
I said to her, "So are we going to find out, or what?"


Puns make me numb.
Math puns make me number.


Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.


Ancient Greeks invented sex.
Romans made it more fun by adding women to it.


I hear the inventor of auto-correct died.
I didn't even know he was I'll.
(Restaurant in price)
(Thank god. I hate auto cucumber)
(Autocorrect makes me say things I didn't Nintendo)


Tell you what I know about Dwarfs.
Very little.


There's only one type of person who never gets angry...
A nomad.


My grandad was responsible for 28 downed german planes in WW2.
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.


Orion's Belt is a big waist of space.
Terrible joke... Only 3 stars.


Yo mamma's so fat...
if she wrote a book about herself it would be an autogeography.


My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”


I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.
It’s called prose and cons.


It is my wife and I's anniversary. I wanted to have sex, but she wanted to go to Outback Steakhouse. Her parents suggested that we go to church and renew our vows. We compromised. So we did it outback by the church.


A dude goes up to his friend and says, "Dude! I have a TON of money in my bank account!"
His friend replies, "Oh, yeah? What's your balance?!"
To which he replies, "£2000"


Why do banks have drive-thru windows?
So cars can meet their real owners.


The ice cream truck is going down the street and a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and she's out of breath.
Truck driver, “Hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “
Out of breath she says, “Nothing. I just wanted to tell you...I'm vegan”.


If you put a picture of yourself in a locket,
you could say that you are...
Independent