Saturday, October 12, 2019

4565 - Saturday jokes

Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

I almost got raped in jail.
My family takes monopoly too seriously.

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city.
Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

My rock collection isn't worth much.
But it has sedimental value.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge, I just can't take it anymore.
Every night she's out until way after midnight just going from bar to bar.
The Judge asks, "What's she doing?"
Guy says, "Looking for me."

My pizza is burnt,
my beer is frozen,
and my girlfriend is pregnant.
Seems I can't take anything out on time.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book.
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

If you rearrange the letters of 'MAILMEN', you get them very angry.

What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles?
Fission chips.

Why did God create war?
So that Americans could learn geography.

Why don't blind people pick up their guide dog's poop?
Because they can't see shit.

Simba, everything that the sun touches is yours.
Except for the water, that's owned by Nestle.

Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see," Carl says, "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical but intrigued. Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says, "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says, "You have got to be kidding me!" 
And Carl says "I shit. You knot."

I'm so depressed...
Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

There are two morons sitting on a fence, a big moron and a little moron.
Suddenly, the big moron falls off whilst the little moron stays on!
All because he was a little moron.

Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer.
One dog looks around and says, "You notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"
The other dog says, "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

What is the Asian equivalent of John Doe?
Hu Dat.

A mime started a fight in a bar, broke his left arm, and got arrested.
He still has the right to remain silent.

My friend Ty recently came first in the Beijing marathon but was denied his gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

The rise of Taiwan as a technological and manufacturing powerhouse comes as no surprise.
The place is full of Taipei personalities.

When one door closes, another opens...
Other than that, it's a pretty reliable car.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down on top of Jill
now they have a daughter

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have a little fun
Jack fell down on top of Jill
now they have a son.

What does a beaver yell when it's mad?
Dam it, Dam it all!

I was walking home late one night when I saw dozens of giant cupcakes and pies everywhere. It was kind of scary.
The streets were oddly desserted.


Mildred Ratched said...

Thanks for the giggles (hehehehehehehe)

Bilbo said...

The streets were desserted. Har, de har-har-har! Another joke to steal for my collection!