4572 - Saturday jokes

In Canada, you are more likely to die of a kick of a moose than a terrorist attack.
Those damn moose limbs.


Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump...
But that’s comparing apples to oranges.


My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.


I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It’s laundry day.


My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic.
But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.


George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.


Donald Trump just turned 73.
Which makes him the first President whose age surpassed his IQ.


I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday.
I am now independent.


I broke my finger yesterday...
... on the other hand, I'm okay.


3 men die and go to heaven and at the Pearly Gates, they're greeted by Saint Peter.
Saint Peter, "I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas."
The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says, "This represents the Christmas tree."
He is allowed into heaven.
The second man pulls out his keys, "These represent bells."
He is allowed into heaven.
The third man pulls out a pair of women's underwear.
Saint Peter, "Good lord, what do those represent?!
The third man says, "These are Carols."


I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless person on the street.
He told me to get away and go buy my own.


What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.


My dad was born with a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them.
I have an uncle, once removed.


Someone put a bomb into a bull's ass.
It was abominable.