4586 - Saturday jokes

Dad: Son, you're adopted.
Son: Oh wow, I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adoptive parents are coming to pick you up.


Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"


A 6 year old cousin asks his older cousin...
Him: will you remember me in 5 years?
Me: yes
Him: will you remember me in 10 years?
Me: yea
Him: knock knock
Me: who’s there
Him: you forgot me already??


I met the man who invented the part of a map that explains what each symbol means.
What a legend.


We tried Plan a, b, c, d but none have worked.
But, Plan e just might take off.


Science created skyscraper and planes.
Religion brought them together.


I have invented a golf ball that if it's at least 3 feet from the hole it will go in.
Just don't put them in your back pocket.


If "womb" is pronounced "woom", "tomb" is pronounced "toom", then shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced boom?


My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.


I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick.
I said, ‘You must be blind.’
He said, ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’
So I said, ‘There’s a tree over there.’


I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care.


My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die.
"Usually an overdose", I said.


Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis. Somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.
Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir.
President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!
Assistant to the President: Sir ...
President: What's the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie?
Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir.
President: Rick?
Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.


I recently discovered I can move my sister's daughters through the air with my brain but not her sons.
I think I have telekinieces.


Where does Walmart keep the Terminator toys?
Aisle B, back.


Why haven't aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.


I'm a social vegan.
I avoid meet.


If a knight in Prague dons his armor,
Does that mean the czech is in the mail?


When I was young, my dad gave me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on the importance of wearing a condom if I ever have sex.
Turns out all the slides were just pictures of me.


BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident!
Wound too big for regular stitches. Doctors forced to use very super stitches.