4593 - Saturday jokes

Apparently, as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.


Yoda was late.
Obi-Wan: Yoda, you en-route?
Yoda: Off course I am!


I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.


What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.


People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Sexual position of the day.

The Brexit - you promise to pull out but you don’t.

A couple of guys are at the bar. The first guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," says his buddy. "Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?"

So I woke up to a blowjob this morning.

It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open.

This guy shows up to his optometrist and says, "I have a weird problem",

The Optometrists replies, "What seems to be the trouble?"

The guy says, "Everything's blurry. My vision is horrible!"

"That's pretty common", the Optometrist replies. "We can certainly fix th..."

"Wait! Here's the weird thing though" the guy interrupts, "Everything is blurry. EVERYTHING. Except... People's butts. People's butts, dogs butts, cats butts. Butts! I see butts clearly! What's going on?"

The Optometrist calmly replies, "Listen, you've got nothing to worry about. Everyone knows that hindsight is 20/20."

Went to the doctors for a prostate exam.

During the exam, he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate.

But I still wish he hadn't.

I asked my doctor where to put my pants and underwear before the prostate exam. 

He said: “Over there next to mine.”

I was at the beach and noticed a younger guy who was moping and looking sad. To make matters worse the guy was scrawny and couldn't have weighed more than 100 lbs.

I walked up to the guy and said "hey buddy what's wrong? It's a beautiful day at the beach and there's nothing but gorgeous women and warm weather around."

The guy says back "I know, I know... But it's tough to enjoy the day. My testicles weigh 50 lbs and it bums me out to lug those things around. I'm depressed every day."

I was stunned by his revelation. I looked him over and said, "Hey buddy, you're not depressed... You're half nuts."

We've been married for 15 years and I finally found her G spot.

Turns out my sister in law had it all along.

A politician visited a village and asked villagers what their needs were.

"We have two basic needs honorable Sir", replied the village leader.

"First, we have a hospital but no doctor."

On hearing this, the politician got out his phone, after speaking for a while he told them not to worry, a doctor will be there tomorrow, and he asked for the second problem.

"Secondly Sir, there is no cellphone reception anywhere in this village."

My wife turned to me in bed and asked, "Would you ever consider adoption?"

I said, "Only if you got pregnant."

What is it called when a gang member kills his best friend?

Homiecide.

Me: “How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

Producer: You mean a choir?

Me: “Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

A friend asked me who won the Tour de France.

Apparently, the "5th Panzer Division" was not the correct answer.

A nymphomaniac goes to the grocery store and gets horny looking at all of the cucumbers and savory meats. When the hot bag boy offers to carry her groceries to the car she can’t help herself, and whispers in his ear, “Hey, I’ve got an itchy pussy.”

He says, “You’ll have to tell me what color, ma’am, because all these Japanese cars look the same to me!”