4600 - Saturday jokes

[At parole hearing]
Officer: Why should you be released early?
Man: I’m...
Officer: Go on.
Man: I think...
Officer: Yes?
Man: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.


A man with stutter died in Prison,
before he could finish his sentence.

Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: No, the cars are much faster.


It’s kind of silly that we’re trying turning plants into burgers.
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?


If Trump really wanted Hillary to be locked up,
He should have hired her!


What’s the difference between a religion and a cult?
In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it’s all nonsense.
In a religion that person is dead.


A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God.
"There is one thing I've always wanted to know".
"Ok, ask away," God said.
" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked.
" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.
The woman shakes her head and says, " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".


I used to smoke weed and go to the class, sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.


Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking,
Where the hell is my roof?


Why is Christmas just like your job?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets the credit.


I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.


The man saw a woman standing sheepishly in the corner, avoiding his gaze.
He could tell she had butterflies in her stomach as he walked over to her.
He took her by the hand, and led her to the door,
saying, "YOU ARE HEREBY BANNED FROM THE BUTTERFLY EXHIBIT, YOU WEIRDO!"


What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.


I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.


Her: Come over.
Me: I can't I've been arrested for double homicide.
HER: My parents aren't home.
Me: About that...


I have a scary joke about math.
But I am 2² to say it.


Brenda was desperately trying to get her co-worker, Yuhap, into bed. He finally agreed to go on a date. After a few drinks, she made her move on Yuhap. He said he wasn’t interested in anything physical. She was so turned on that she offered him $500 to sleep with her. He got offended and left.
She learned an important lesson. Money won’t buy Yuhap penis.