4614 - Saturday jokes

Went to donate blood today...awful experience, never again...
Question after question... "who's blood is it?"....."where did you get it?"....."why is it in a bucket?


Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates.


A king has 3 cups in front of him.
The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty.
What is the King's name?
King Philip III


How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.
One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis.
Edit: *Father
Edit: *LADDER!!!! Dammit.


A bee lives in America.
It's a USA USB.


What do you call an explosive monkey?
A baboom!


A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day.
When they got to St. Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases. The porn star ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaze upon them for eternity.” The Queen said nothing, but hiked up her skirt, pulled down her undies, shook up a bottle of Perrier she had in her handbag, then douched herself with it. St. Peter nodded and let the Queen pass through the pearly gates. “What the hell is all that about?” yelled the porn star. “I show you two of God’s greatest achievements and NOTHING! That old bitch performs a disgusting act and you let her in?” “Sorry, love,” said St Peter, “but a royal flush beats a pair every time.”


I suspect someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.


My wife told me, “It’s over,” and started to walk out.
I just sat there.
I love watching the ending credits.


How do we know that Adam and Eve were Soviet citizens?
They had one apple between the two of them, they had no clothes, and they believed they were living in paradise.


The worst part about working at the unemployment office?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.


He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face as his girlfriend moved forward then backward..... forward then backward..... back and forth.. in and out.. in and out...
Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan.
Then she let out one almighty scream!
"I can't park this damn car! You do it you smug bastard!"


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I think my greatest weakness is I don't listen.


[At dinner]
Her: We have to break up. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes.
Me: Ok. And for the main course?


Tell the punchline first.
What's a great way to ruin a joke?


A man gets fired by his boss.
He turns in his gun and badge and goes to walk out.
His boss looks at him and says, "You're a waiter, where the hell did you get those?"


Green is my favorite color.
I love it even more than blue and yellow combined.


A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds, "that's just the tip of the iceberg."


A married couple had a fight and weren't speaking to each other for days. One evening, the husband leaves a message on his nightstand. "I have a very important meeting tomorrow that I cannot miss. Please wake me up at 9 am". The next day, he wakes up and looks at the time. It's almost 11.
Wondering if his wife hadn't seen or read the message, he looks at his note and sees a new note beside his that reads: "It's 9 o'clock. Time to wake up!"


Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.
You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.