4621 - Saturday joke

I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician!
I was just sitting there doing nothing!


Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You son of a...


Do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge my phone in my honda?
Best Buy employee: a cord?
Me: No, it's a Civic.


A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.
Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters
Wife: Apps
Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters
Wife: Teen
Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters
Wife: Didn't
Husband: Take a life, 4 letters
Wife: Kill
Husband: Religious songs, 5 letters
Wife: Hymns
Husband: Santa's little helper, 3 letters
Wife: Elf
(Now, if you didn't get the joke, read only the wifes answers.)


50 shades of grey...
#4e5054, #272727, #282828, #292929, #2b2b2b, #2c2c2c, #2e2e2e, #313131, #323232, #343434, #353535, #373737, #393939, #3a3a3a, #3c3c3c, #3f3f3f, #404040, #424242, #444444, #454545, #474747, #484848, #4a4a4a, #4b4b4b, #4d4d4d, #4e4e4e, #505050, #515151, #535353, #565656, #575757, #585858, #595959, #5b5b5b, #5c5c5c, #5e5e5e, #616161, #626262, #646464, #656565, #676767, #6a6a6a, #6b6b6b, #6c6c6c, #6d6d6d, #6f6f6f, #727272, #737373, #757575, #767676


Yesterday, I found out my girlfriend is cheating on me with the primary doctor at her hospital. So from now on, I’ll be giving her an apple for lunch every day. That oughta do the trick.


I saw a poor old lady fall in the street today.
Well, I'm assuming she's poor, she only had $1 in her purse.


What do you call a knight that is afraid to fight?
Sir Render.


Finally learned why you can't use a wooden spoon on a Teflon pan.
The pan is non-stick.


I asked the toy store assistant where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back!"


They told me I couldn't eat the food I'd forgotten in my basement for 50 years.
Little did they know I can.


I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.
It’s called Prose and Cons.


What starts with TR and ends with UMP?
TRASH DUMP.


Dads are like boomerangs.
I hope.....


When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.


Why don’t you want to have a pillow fight with Death?
Because of the reaper cushions.


A woman is in a jewelers shop admiring a large diamond ring. As she bends to take a closer look she lets out a little fart. Hoping no one noticed she smiled and asked, “How much is that one?” The jeweler says, “madam if you farted when you just looked at it, when I tell you the price you will shit yourself”.


A pyromaniac teenager decides to burn his family's house down. The cops approach his parents and say, "Looks like someone left the stove on."
"Oh, no," they replied, "it was arson."


Employer - In this job, we need someone who is responsible.
Me - I’m the one you want!
Employer - Why is that?
Me - On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.


4 Girls asked me to go out today.
I then realized I wasn't in the men's room.

About 15 years ago my wife and I decided to stop buying a real Christmas tree every year and buy an artificial one instead. It will be better for the environment, we thought.
And now, after buying and throwing out 15 artificial Christmas trees, I am starting to have second thoughts.