4635 - Saturday jokes

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.
Ouch.


Judge: I order you to pay $10,000.
Mario: Why?
Judge: It's a fine.
Mario: No its'a not!


I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.


There is a new restaurant named Karma
It does not have a menu because you get what you deserve.


My girlfriend asked me if I'd like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.


The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
Especially when thrown at close-range.


Do you want to know why the republicans won't impeach Trump?
Because they believe in carrying a baby to full term.

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes, grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too. 

And she’s the best cook & storyteller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

My friend drowned in a vat of varnish. 

He had a terrible end,

but a lovely finish.

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy?

Something inside me says yes.

I think women breastfeeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?

Store worker: Why do you ask?

Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?

When I was younger, I lost my virginity to a prostitute and only lasted 30 seconds.

I think it was the whoremoans that set me off.

WWII, nazis came to some village and decided to have a little fun.

So, they line up all the men from the village and pick one of their women. 

And one of the nazis says: "We'll kill all of you unless you will find your husband while blindfolded only by touching his dick".

So, they blindfold her and she begins touching. 

"Not mine, not mine, not mine, this one is not even from our village."

I tried to be nice to someone today and hold the door open for them.

But all they did was scream as they got sucked out of the airplane.

Pavlov walks into a restaurant when a bell rings.

He stares..., “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs”.

My friend just had a testicle removed after finding a lump.

THAT'S how serious he is about mashed potatoes.