4642 - Saturday jokes

A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined. I can't deal with high maintenance women.


Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
No sun.


My roommate says our house is haunted.
I've been living here for 300 years and I haven't noticed anything strange.


Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can't survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.


The opposite of Microsoft Office is...
Macrohard Onfire.


A man goes into his bosses office
Man: I was just checking in to see if I could get the day off to help my wife do the yearly Christmas cleaning?
Boss: Absolutely not.
Man: Thank you so much, I knew I could count on you.


A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light.
For support, rather than illumination.


If anyone has a voodoo doll of me...
...please put it on a treadmill.


The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.
I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.


Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says, "Have you read Marx"?
The other says, "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs".


I got a gun for Christmas but I can’t fire it.
I suppose I should check the 'Trouble Shooting' guide.


What do you call lots of sheep rolling down a hill?
A lambslide.


I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand, I’m okay.


Why shouldn’t you hang your diplomas on the refrigerator?
Because a refrigerator shouldn’t have too many degrees.


What kind of Doctor is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician.


Dear Satan,
For Christmas, I want a cure for my dyslexia.


What’s black and white, but never red?
The terms of service.


It was 11 years ago today.
My buddy James came running into the room, tears streaming down his face, and shouting,
“It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”
Needless to say, we never went back to Thailand.


Have you noticed that small men often wear pointy red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.


If you’re here for yodeling lessons please form an...
Orderly, Orderly, Orderly Queuuuuuue.


Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.
It's about fucking time.


I got my son a refrigerator for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.


How did the anti-vaxxers travel?
They flu.


Two Catholic priests were standing at the urinals.
One priest looked over at the other and noticed he had a nicotine patch on his penis. Shocked and appalled, he exclaimed, "That's not where a nicotine patch goes!"
The other priest looks back, smiles and says, "I don't know about you but I'm down to two butts a day."


So a guy with no arms walks into an 'Irish' bar threatening to kill everyone. Everyone freaks out except the bartender who says, “Don’t worry he’s armless”.


The only thing that flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.


So there’s a fly and a gnat lands on its back.
The fly says, “Is that a gnat on my back?”
The gnat says, “Gnat at all.”
The fly says, “That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard.
The gnat says, “What do you expect. I made it up on the fly!”


My New Years' resolution is to try to always be a "cup half full" type of person.
Whiskey. Vodka. Wine. Whatever.


Stop saying your life is a joke.
A joke has a meaning to it.


Why is a pencil more superior than your life?
Because it has a point.


News release: A Major Fashion Label Releases a Cream for Yeast Infections.
It's called "Gucci Coochie Goo".


What do you call an ocean community that's gay?
AlgaeBT.


Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave.


“Never Apologise! Never Explain!”
I'm sorry but that’s my motto.