4649 - Saturday jokes

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin’ catholic.


Dear Microsoft... If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google. What would you rather say? "I just Googled Rihanna" or "I just Banged Rihanna."


Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.


Having a mobile makes it really easy to cheat on my wife.
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.


There's a lot of controversy about vaccination, but you know what I don't get?
Measles.


A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...
His wife was up waiting for him...
"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled
He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."
(Didn't get this? Neither did I. I had to look through the comments for an explanation. .... .... .... OH! You want to know too? One-quarter of 12 equals 3.)


There’s only 1 rule in learning English.
1.) Their our know rules.


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You're in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?" The horse ponders for a minute, then replies "I don't think I am," and then *poof!*, he disappears.
This is the part where the philosophy students in the room will start to snicker, because they are familiar with Descartes' postulate "I think, therefore I am." But to tell you that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.


Yesterday I spotted an albino dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the dog.


My idiot friend almost blew his hand playing with fireworks on New Years'. When the smoke cleared he was unscathed! Not a singe or burn on him! I ran over to him, mystified, and said, "What are you retardant?"


A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 privates guarding a bench. He went over there and asked them why do they guard it.
"We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did!"
He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards in this particular bench.
"I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition".
Going back another 3 commanders, he found a now 100 year old retired General.
"Excuse me sir. I'm now the CO of your old camp. I've found 2 guards assigned to guard a bench. Why did you put them there?"
"What? The paint is still wet?!"


My whole life I thought Chewbacca was an Ewok.
Wookie mistake.


A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller.
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!
Teller: Don’t you mean History?
Robber: Don’t change the subject!


When I realized who was in WW3...
Iran


Why can't the Vatican accept Visa or Mastercard?
Because it's a Paypal state.


Me: ...slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand.
Me: "Stop hitting yourself, haha, why do you keep hitting yourself?"
Sister-in-law: ~crying~ "Is this why you wanted an open casket?"


What is the equivalent of 2,000 mocking birds?
2 kilomockingbirds.


I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War.
I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.


Little Mickey and his family were fresh off the boat from Ireland. In class his teacher said that next week they would start learning trigonometry and because he was new to the class she thought he might need a little help, so he should ask his parents to see if they could assist him. The next day Mickey comes in and tells his teacher that he won’t be able to study trigonometry. “Why is that?” asks his teacher. “Me da says it’s discrimination,” says Mickey. “Discrimination? How so?” “He says that as a Catholic I can’t get mixed up with sin; as an Irishman, I can’t tan, and he’s too poor to cosine anything for me.”


You have to give it to the Chinese.
They somehow managed to make an entire language out of bad tattoos.


I'm giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.