4670 - Saturday jokes

Jesus can walk on water.
Babies are 72% water.
I can walk on babies.
Therefore I'm 72% Jesus.


Why don’t introverted trees want to be chopped down?
They don’t want to dialog.


Jesus walks into a bar
“Just twelve waters please!” *Winks at disciples*


How do you make a water bed bouncier?
You use spring water.


I saw 2 guys wearing matching outfits, and I asked if they were gay. They arrested me.


Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.
A worst case scenario.


What goes with the Coronavirus?
Lyme Disease.


If I had 50 cents every time I failed a math test I'd have $6.30 right now.


For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.
Condescending means to talk down to someone.


About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil.
Don't even get me started on baby oil.


A guy met a girl in a Bar and she invited him back to her house.
When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.
She said: "Let's start with 69".
She got him into position, and they went at it.
Within a minute of starting, the girl felt a fart coming on.
She tried holding it back, but she figured the guy was probably enjoying what she was doing to him and just let it rip.
Less than a minute later, she felt another one coming on and since he hadn't said anything, let this one out as well.
After that, the guy pushed her off, got up, and started getting dressed.
The girl, embarrassed, asked, "I guess you didn't like that, huh?"
The guy said, "No, it was fine, but I just don't think I could take 67 more of those".


Can you make a sentence containing the words defense, defeat and detail?
When a horse jumps over defense, defeat goes before detail.


What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, WHAM! "DAMN!"
The shitty skydiver goes, "DAMN!" WHAM!


My wife said I talk about Star Wars too much and wants to end our relationship.
I said, “May divorce be with you”.


The cashier gave me a questioning look as she scanned the 10th bottle of baby oil.
"My wife says I need to glisten more," I explained. "I don't know why, I wasn't really paying attention".


A country going through an impeachment may be unpresidented.


The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

I recently found a round, black piece of plastic, with a hole in the middle and grooves on both sides. I picked it up and threw it. It flew for more than 300 yards.

I’m sure that must have been a record.

If life gives you melons you might be dyslexic.

Today I taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people will not believe you even if you tell the truth.