4582 - Saturday jokes

ROMNEY DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF!
Sorry, just practicing.


My ability to replace regular words in a sentence with religious ones is second to nun.


I walked into my Mom's bedroom.
Under the bed I saw a suitcase half-open.
My curiosity got the better of me.
I opened the case.
In it was a leather mask, a leather cape, and a leather whip.
I couldn't believe it.
My Mom is a superhero.


Don't use beef stew as a password.
Apparently, it's not stroganoff.


Her, "Do you have pets?"
Me, "A goldfish"
Her, "Any hobbies?"
Me, "Yeah, he loves swimming”


Everyone told Sam not to sing.
But Samsung anyway.


A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered, ‘BP’.


I hate the stigma around mental health.
Immediately after I got medication for my schizophrenia, my friends didn't talk to me anymore.


If A is for apple, and B is for banana, then what is C for?
Plastic explosives.


A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”


Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school..
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "so from now on you will be known as Mick."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?" his mother asked. "My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mick." "Are you ashamed of your name?" his mother asked. "Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!" And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school.
The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mick?" she asked.
"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two god damned Muslims.


My dentist pulled the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.


Never go to bed angry.
Stay up all night... plotting.


Stephen King has a son named Joe. I’m not joking.
But he is.


The woman was in bed with 3 men when her husband came home.
One of them hid in the closet, the second one went under the bed, and the third one went out to the balcony.
After a while, the one under the bed came out and said, "OK, madam, your bed is fixed now." She told her husband that she called this guy to repair one of the legs of the bed. The husband thanks him and gives him money.
Later, the one in the closet steps out and says, "Now, your drawers are working properly." The husband thanks him too and gives him money.
The one in the balcony, who saw everything but did not hear anything, came out with great excitement and said, "I screwed her too!"


I suffered from premature ejaculation, so my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity.
It 100% totally works. Now I couldn't care less about that bitch.


Judas: Still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: Yeah, the last supper.
Jesus: The what?
Judas: Supper, normal supper with the fellas.


I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run inside to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.


One brother always took the stairs.
The other brother always took the elevator.
They were raised very differently.


I visited my friend at his new house.
He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.


A young couple are trying to save money on their summer vacation.
They bring their bags to the discount airline desk to check in.
“Do you have reservations?” asks the woman behind the counter.
“More than a few,” the young man answered, “but we’re flying with you guys anyway.”


If I could ask Neil deGrasse Tyson anything, it would be,
"How different do you think your life would have been if your parents named you Moe instead of Neil and would you still use your full name?"


My wife came home from the doctor and said, "Did you know Parkinson's makes you more patient?"
I said, "How is that even possible?"
She said, "I don't know but Dr. Johnson my gynecologist claims that since he was diagnosed with Parkinson's his patience has doubled."