4589 - Saturday jokes

There's love without sex and there's sex without love.
Then there's you, without either.
Happy Valentines


Do you have a date for Valentine's Day?
Yes, it's February 14th.


Life without love is melancholic.
But love without life is necrophilia.


I just asked Siri, "surely it's still not going to be stormy tomorrow?" Siri replied, "yes it will be and don't call me Shirley". I realized my phone was in Airplane mode.


My grief counselor died recently.
She clearly did a good job, because I didn't care.


My wife doesn't always scream during sex.
But when she does, it's usually when I walk in.


Can’t a girl just say good morning to a guy like a normal person?
Is it really necessary to ask, “Who are you”, “How did you get in my room”, “Why are you naked”?


Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor and got a tattoo. But it wouldn’t wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlor wasn’t there.


One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."


I just quit my job at the helium factory.
I won't be spoken to in that tone.


Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”


A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.
He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.


I always hated the show Naked & Afraid.
It reminded me of playing hide and seek with my uncle.


Do you know what propaganda is?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something


When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally took a misstep and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried.
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first case of kid knee stones.


What is a telescope's favorite language?
Farsi


Did you hear about the deaf gynecologist?
Don't worry, he can read lips.


I'm worried about my roommate. In the last week, he has recently just purchased himself a new Ford, Tesla, BMW, and Toyota.
I think he might have a car owner virus.


I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.
He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.


Oxygen and Magnesium went on a date.
Everyone was like “OMg!”


I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the TV, "Don’t go in the church, you moron"!
She’s watching our wedding video again.