4596 - Saturday jokes

What do you call 5 fish cut in half?
Tuna half.
(If you think really hard you can make this joke work.)

My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.

He’ll be born in March.

If you actually have a trans daughter though she will be a woman trapped in the body of a man trapped in the body of a woman.

...And if the 'mother' turns out to be a trans father then your daughter will be a woman trapped in the body of a man trapped in the body of a man trapped in the body of a woman.

What does a serial killer do when he finds Waldo?

Wears Waldo.

What is Greta Thunberg's least favorite country?

MadAtGasCar

A fourth grade biology teacher is asking a series of questions to her students

Eventually, she asks, "What part of the body can grow ten times its normal size when stimulated?"

As soon as she asks that, a girl at the back of the class stands up and yells, "EWW, THAT'S SO GROSS. HOW DARE YOU ASK THIS TO SMALL CHILDREN? I'M GOING TO TELL MY MOTHER ALL ABOUT THIS", then storms out of the classroom.

After the class, the teacher calls the girl back in and says, "Young lady, I just have three things to say to you. First, the answer to my question was the pupil; second, you have a very dirty mind for a child your age; and third, one day you're going to very, very disappointed"

What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?

Rick O'Shea.

My husband asked why I never blink during sex.

I told him I didn’t have time to.

Last week I x-rayed a bird in Norway.

Scanned an avian.

My cross-eyed wife and I are getting a divorce.

We just couldn’t see eye to eye.

What’s even worse though, is that I found out that she was seeing someone on the side.

I tried to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Hell no. Get your own!"

A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park.

He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.

He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.

The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”

The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”

A man on the street was trying to sell me a "slightly used" television.

"How can a television be slightly used?" I asked.

He said, "The old lady that owned it was blind in one eye."

A Baptist preacher, a Catholic priest, and a rabbit walk into a bar.

The rabbit takes a look around and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."

How do you tell a Scotsman from Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud".

A Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe".

My brother married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter!

She's my Japaniece.

We were arguing all day about what to call a medieval soldier.

But then it got late, so we called it a knight.