4677 - Saturday jokes

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"
It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.


At ten feet I told the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me.
Guess I went a little too far with that joke.


I predict, in years to come there’ll be a nuclear war in the Middle East, which will leave only one country and the Persian Gulf.
Just Kuwait and sea.


Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years,
the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.


Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. The second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.


The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.


I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.


Wife- I’m pregnant.
Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife- No, you’re not.
(I had to think about this a second.)


Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.
Me: Thanks for reminding me.


A guy gets hit by a car. He wakes up in the hospital with the nurse right next to him. The guy asks if he'll be ok, and the nurse replies with yes. The nurse asks, "You'll need to pay for your stay here, which comes to about 20 grand. Do you have enough money?"
The guy replies, "No, unfortunately, money is tight for me."
The nurse asks, "well do you have any relatives that could help you pay?"
The guy says, "No, my only living relative is my sister. She's an un-married nun."
The nurse interrupts and says, "Actually, nuns are married to God."
The guy goes, "Ok then, send the bill to my brother-in-law."


I won the lottery for a million dollars today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75 .


A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Mainly my name, address, and phone number.


Hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter?
Pretty nuts.


I always carry a picture of my wife and children in my wallet.
It reminds me why there’s no money in there.


I call myself terms and conditions.
Because everyone keeps ignoring me.


I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.
The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.


I just realized my countertop is made of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.

...

I’m slated to chuckle later.

The stones on this guy.

Rocked me to the core.

Onyxly, same here.

I feel a bit of sediment for the people that read all these puns.

Gneiss, this could go on for a while.

But it’s not quartz over.

Ore maybe it is.

I feel like this joke was pyrited from somewhere.

This is a basalt on good jokes everywhere.

Well, Onyx you a gem.

Topaz off a rock joke, you need to sell it.

I pumice you will laugh.

This joke is just marbleous.

That's igneous!

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.


I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.


I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat
She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.


My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry... I'll return.