4717 - Saturday jokes (and pi day)

The other day a guy ran into a dentist's office and started going in circles.
The dentist said, "You must be in pain. Quick, get in the chair so I can look."
The guy said, "That is not my problem. I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "Well I can't help you. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you run in here?"
"Because your light was on."


Wife: "Where are we going?"
Husband: "To pick our new glasses from the optometrist".
Wife: "Then what?"
Husband: "We'll see".


Don't forget we have the air conditioner guy coming over today.
What time?
At 2.
Bless you.


Yesterday I purchased a world map. I gave my wife a dart and said to her, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.


You know you're a bad driver when Siri says, "Stop in 300 feet and let me out."


Him: I don't even know what the cloning machine does.
Me: Well that makes two of us.


What's Irish and stays outside all year long?
Paddy O'Furniture.

This is where kids make paper chains with the numbers of pi written on each link.

https://www.piday.org/

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of pie every day?
Diabetes.


What did the mathematician say to her mentor?
Notice me sin 𝜋.
(Obviously, a pi day joke that I have no idea what it means.)


As a responsible employer, all my staff are in a 2 week quarantine.
Productivity is through the roof since nobody can leave the office.


I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at soccer.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.


People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.


Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit.
Me: Who?
Wife: My butt cheeks.


The wage gap isn’t real. Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctors, CEO, lawyer, etc. Whereas women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO


The reason Trump didn't declare a national emergency last week is that he was spending his time learning two very big words.


I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop. "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home", I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt", I thought walking off as I zipped up my backpack.


Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the shit out of it.


An alien filed a report about finding a planet with 7.5 billion dead.
“They’re all dead, but their assess are spotless, sir.”


Now's the time to be an asshole to neighborhood kids.
They’ll tp your house, then you’ll have toilet paper!


If you think that Corona beer causes Coronavirus then you probably think that the leader of the World Health Organization is Dr. Who.


My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. Wow! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!


When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
Really? I have the exact opposite.
Wow, seriously?
Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.