4724 - Saturday jokes

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but I politely declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.


A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies.
Who killed him?
The Bartender.
(think about it)


I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep going after him.
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.


I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying, "We value your privacy."
Well, I know that. How else could they sell it?


My wife called me at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I replied, "No..."
She said, "How about now?"


They should wait until next year to do the census.
Cause it’ll be easier to count.


Driving home my wife asked why the heated seats were on.
I told her I turned them on to preheat my dinner.


What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.


A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets.
He was arrested for attempted murder.


I’m having a quarantine party.
None of you are invited.


Some people aren’t shaking hands because of COVID 19.
I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper and hand sanitizer.