4759 - Saturday jokes

Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer. Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.


What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?
A πthon.


Sunday: Greg. Monday: Ian. Tuesday: Greg. Wednesday: Ian. Thursday: Greg. Friday: Ian. Saturday: Greg
This is how the Gregorian calendar was created.


I was so bored that I memorized six pages of a dictionary. I learned next to nothing.


An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday
He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.
A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.
“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis”, says the wife.
“Arthritis? In your vagina?!”
“No, in my shoulders. I haven’t been able to wipe my ass for a week!”.


I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.


A bad workman blames his fools.
EDIT: *tools* stupid keyboard.


My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.
She said she just can't take it any longer.


A pun walks into a bar and kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.


My wife, "I'm tired of anesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"
Me, "I don't know. Emergency?"
Wife, "Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?"
Me, "Sleep medicine?"
Wife, "Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such? I wonder what sort of education I'd need?
Me, "Probably night school."


I remember my childhood quite fondly when Dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.


A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife, “Isn’t she beautiful?”
Other man, “If you think she’s beautiful you should see my wife”
First man, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
Other man, “No, she’s an ophthalmologist”.


Today is the last time I will see my 80 year old grandpa.
Because tomorrow he turns 81!


I asked a pregnant librarian when her baby was due.
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"


A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because none of them are zealots.


I'm such a bad train operator, I've got ADD.
It's hard to keep on track.


God gave a wish to a man. He asked, "I want the whole world to be connected by a big road".
"Sorry son, it's technically impossible to engineer such a road. Ask something else", he replied.
"Well then, I want Trump to think before he speaks something", he asked.
God replied, "You want that road 8 lanes wide or 10 lanes?"


A farmer wins the lottery.
A reporter asks him, "What are you going to do with the money?"
He says, "I'm just going to keep on farming until it is all gone."


The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said alphabetically or by age?


I thought I had COVID-19, so I decided to give it a go and I injected myself with bleach.
Surprisingly I’m all white now.


I don't need to inject disinfectant.
I'm still protected by that Tide pod I ate two years ago.


They say "icy" is one of the easiest words to spell, i c y.


I know they say 2020 vision is good.
But I haven't been able to see anyone for a month now.


How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One . . . Or two? . . . One . . . . . Or two?


There are two possibilities in North Korea.
Either Kim Jong ill or Kim Jong urn.


My son calling me dad was my breaking point during the lock down.
I finally shaved my legs.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it sent an ambulance to my house.