4773 - Saturday jokes

Before the surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.


Boss doing interview: "Why do yo..."
Me: "Shhhhh"
Boss: "What's your biggest wea..."
Me: "Shhhhhhhhhh!"
Boss (whispering): "You're hired. Welcome to the library."


My wife asked me, "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?"  Apparently, "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.


My partner and I can never agree on vacations. I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.


Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on seabirds. They’ve left no tern unstoned.


I didn't even know Grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house!


An Australian General says to a soldier, “Did you come here to die?” The soldier responds, “No, sir. I came here yester-die!”


I was talking to a gal today when she told me about the “Dwayne Johnson Rule.”
I’d never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, “Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?” If not, don’t say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, “Your chest is epic.”


‌‌A b‌‌loke b‌‌umped i‌‌n t‌‌o m‌‌e o‌‌n t‌‌he t‌‌ube t‌‌he o‌‌ther d‌‌ay a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."
Then t‌‌he s‌‌ame f‌‌ella f‌‌ollowed m‌‌e h‌‌ome f‌‌rom t‌‌he p‌‌ub a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."
Things t‌‌hen g‌‌ot o‌‌ut o‌‌f h‌‌and w‌‌hen h‌‌e t‌‌apped o‌‌n m‌‌y w‌‌indow a‌‌t 1‌‌1.30 t‌‌hat n‌‌ight a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌Remember L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."
I t‌‌hought, "‌‌That's i‌‌t, I‌‌'m g‌‌oing t‌‌o t‌‌he P‌‌olice." I t‌‌old t‌‌he o‌‌fficer I‌‌ w‌‌as b‌‌eing stalked, and h‌‌e a‌‌sked i‌‌f I‌‌ c‌‌ould t‌‌ell h‌‌im a‌‌nything a‌‌bout t‌‌he m‌‌an.
I s‌‌aid, "‌‌Yes, h‌‌e r‌‌eminds m‌‌e o‌‌f L‌‌eonardo D‌‌i C‌‌aprio."


Computer: Set password
Me: snowflake
Computer: confirm password
Me: snowflake
Computer: password does not match
.
.
.
(no two snowflakes are alike.)


My nerdy friend got a Ph.D. in the History of Palindromes. He’s now Dr. Awkward.


I j‌‌ust d‌‌iscovered t‌‌hat t‌‌he w‌‌ord "‌‌nothing" i‌‌s a‌‌ p‌‌alindrome.
Backwards i‌‌t s‌‌pells "‌‌gnihton", w‌‌hich a‌‌lso m‌‌eans n‌‌othing.


Don and his friend Eva we’re exploring caves in the town of Level for our palindrome school project.
Eva said there were many things they could not do in caves. Don asked her a question using his knowledge from palindrome school. Don said, “Eva can I stab bats in a cave”. She said “no don”. Don then said, “Eva can I pose as aesop in a cave”. She again said, “no don”.


Who has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.


Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is interesting.
What they hide is critical.


The inventor of the umbrella was originally going to call it the brella
But he hesitated.


What do you call a depressed tick from Rome?
A hopeless Roman Tick.


In China, we guarantee our citizens the freedom of speech.
But we do not guarantee their personal safety after their speech.


When I was in college, I had this fantastic business idea.
If assisted suicide were to ever be legalized, I thought that it would be great to have a service that would provide different ways to kill yourself.
There could be an OD kit, hang yourself kit, gun kit, etc.
But then I realized that there wouldn’t be any customer reviews.


(I had to LOL at this. I do things like this.)
A guy walks up to a woman and asks, "How much?"
She is repulsed. "Excuse me?! Who the hell do you think you are? Do I look like a prostitute?!"
The guy replies, "What? No! That's not what I meant at all!"
The woman calms down. "Oh. Well okay then. What did you mean by that?"
The guy says, "I meant how much do you weigh?"