4787 - Saturday jokes

Daughter: "Mom, am I adopted?"
Mom: "No, not yet. I only placed the ad yesterday."


Kids don't know how good they have it. When I hear all the people complaining about the nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine, I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine.


Patient: Can I book an extra session next week to help with my claustrophobia?
Therapist: I should be able to squeeze you in.
Patient:


I think it is time to reconsider calling people 'Karen'. It is rude. We can all be Karen's in our own ways. I just realized I'm a computer Karen. ​Every time something is taking too long, or the slightest inconvenience happens, I immediately want to see the task manager.​


The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.


A big storm pulled my entire back fence out of the ground, I need some help fixing it. Anybody have experience in reposting?


Customer: I will not pay this bill!
Waiter: Sir, you ordered 42 coffee's.
Customer: I said 4 tea, 2 coffee.


The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club.


Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"
I immediately burst into tears.
12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian.


My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working"
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.


Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy!
Edit: 1 thumb
Edit: 0 thumbs


The Greeks invented the threesome.
But it was the Romans who thought of adding women.


I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.
She believes I'm only after my money.


The bill legalizing marijuana for patients with arthritis passed both houses unanimously.
There was joint support for joint support for joint support.


A truckload of Vick's vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.


Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?
No one can eat just one potato ship.


Three nuns were talking...
The first nun said, “When I was cleaning fathers room I found a dirty magazine”. The second nun asked what she did with it. “Well, I threw it out of course”, said the first nun. The second nun said, “When I was doing fathers laundry I found a box of condoms.” The first nun asked, “Well, what did you do with them?” She replied, “Well, I poked holes in them of course.” The third nun went, "oh oh".


Eye doctor talking to his patient...
Doctor: The results are not good.
Patient: Can I see them?
Doctor: Probably not.


Why do some Americans become fat?
So they can add more bullets to their ammo belt.


My wife just found out she's adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me, "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears.
On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.


Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.


My doctor said I needed to lose weight.
I said I needed a second opinion.
"Ok, you're ugly too."


What is silent, but deadly?
The quiet kid in your class.


So every one's heard the old saw about how a million monkeys on a million typewriters will eventually turn out the complete works of Shakespeare, right?
Then we got the Internet, and it's proven to be completely false.


Amazon: Your bathroom vanity has been delivered.
Let that sink in!