4794 - Saturday jokes

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded his gold medal.
China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.


A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.
“Wow, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods…
“I’ll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
“From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor.
“No, from skipping,” replied the blonde.


A Philadelphia Eagles player that noticed a white powdery substance after a practice. The FBI was called in, and determined that it was the goal line.


An Overweight Time Traveler goes to ancient Rome and realizes he wore historically incorrect clothes for the trip. Realizing his mistake he visits a toga shop to purchase new clothes. He looks around the shop and realizes they do not have togas big enough to fit him. He goes to the counter and asks the clerk:
Time traveler: Do you have XL togas?
Clerk: Well, yes. But why do you need so many?


Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie and said, "What movie would you like to see?" I said, “You pick." She said, “You pick." I said, “I don't care. You pick." She said, “Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets."


I went to the shop the other day to buy six cans of Sprite.
It was only when I got home that I realised I had picked 7 Up.


A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.
He found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers.
She asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double?
‘What’s that?’, he asked.
‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said.
As his mind began to embrace the idea, and he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, ‘No, I haven’t.’
They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘tonight’s your lucky night.’ They went back to her place, they walked in.  She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: ‘Mom…you still awake?'


If you see a Spanish person tell them "mucho".
It means a lot to them.


A 60 year old man was staring at a 17 year old teen, particularly his hair, on the bus.
The boy, who had just coloured his hair various shades started feeling uncomfortable by the old man's gaze.
Unable to take it anymore, the boy shouted - "What is it old man? Can't stomach when people do wild things?"
The old man replied - "I once fucked a peacock when I was a teen. Wondering if you're my grandson".


Why do riot police get to work early?
To beat the crowd.


I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can also write other words too.


Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.


First woman on the Moon.
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."


My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
I'm not sure how. I don't even know it was her birthday.


After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy.
Every time I walk by she says, "What an Ass!".


I called the suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck.


As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”


What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking?
She's gonna EAT me!


Dad, why is this book so thick?
Well, it’s a long story.