Saturday, June 13, 2020

4808 - Saturday jokes

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?
A trophy.

There was a woman who had 100 kids. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact, they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be “saved” or else you’ll “burn”!
Stupid firemen.

Why did Bill Barr gas protestors?
So the chicken could cross the road.

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. I don't like those requirements.”

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.
The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

My friend has died after his trophy cabinet fell on him.
He was a victim of his own success.

What did the bra say to the hat?
“I've got these two! You go on ahead!”

I told a joke about a meat factory to my friends.
They thought it was well done.

I was working when my coworker tried to start a fight by throwing dough, shredded cheese, and tomato sauce at me.
So I said, “You wanna pizza me?”

3 dinosaurs find a magic lamp in a river. A genie pops out and says, “I will grant each one of you one wish!” The first dinosaur thinks and says, “I wish for a huge piece of meat!”. The genie smiles and a big, juicy steak appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur says, “I wish for a shower of meats!!” The genie snaps his fingers and it begins to rain freshly cooked steaks. The last dinosaur thinks for a bit and then finally gets an idea. Not to be outdone, he says, “I wish for an even meater shower!”

Before Mount Rushmore was carved its beauty was unpresidented.

I'm going to go buy a bathroom scale and some glasses tomorrow.
My plans after that? Weight and see.

After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5"...
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

Every day, I find a staircase in some building, disassemble one of the stairs, and leave with it.
I just like to take things, one step at a time.

Ronald Reagan and Nancy Reagan are out to dinner. The waiter asks what the First Lady will have. She says, "I'd like the filet mignon and a baked potato."
The waiter asks, "And the vegetable?"
Mrs. Reagan answers, "Oh, he'll have the same."


Elephant's Child said...

Plenty of smiles as our Saturday draws to a close. Thank you.

Mike said...

EC - Always a good way to end a day.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

My faves are the Bill Barr one and the Mexican kid talking to Trump one.

Kirk said...

The very first one made me laugh out loud, and what followed did not disappoint.

Cloudia said...

Thanks Mike!

Mike said...

DSWS - Those were two brand new ones for me.

K - An LOL is a good way to start.

C - 'A'ole palikir.