4815 - Saturday jokes

My neighbors 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since the lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.


How does the author of Harry Potter get down a hill? By walking.
JK. Rolling.


My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer.
I'm not impressed. I've had a canon printer for ages.


So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.

My wife just completed a 40-week bodybuilding program this morning.

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

Rolled my first joint last night.

My ankle really hurts this morning.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

I went into a sex shop today and was shocked to find out how much all of my wife’s vibrators cost.

She’s sitting on a small fortune.

Why do Boomers make the best sugar daddies?

They're the best at fucking future generations.

An old man is selling watermelons.

His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10

A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.

The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.

As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business."

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors?

If it had 4 doors it'd be a chicken sedan.

My bodybuilder friends are getting a divorce.

They clearly weren't working out.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion yesterday in less than 5 moves.

Finally, my high school karate classes came in useful.

One time I debated a flat earthier.

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth just to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually.

I've got a lot of unemployment jokes.

But they don't work.

What do you call a plan to kill a bunch of crows that are hanging around on a gravestone?

A plot to murder a murder plot's murder.

2020 has been a great year for me, personally. My dental hygiene is better than ever!

I got tired of smelling my own breath through this damn MASK!

My friend was angry when NASCAR banned the Confederate flag from the races.

But he got angrier when I pointed out they still wave it on the final lap every race.

My wife fell in love with me again during COVID-19.

I guess you could call it stuck-home syndrome.