4836 - Saturday jokes

Two Karens are having lunch together.
The waiter stops by and asks, "Is anything okay?"


A customer ordered a cup of tea in a local tea shop. So, the server brought it to him but dipped his fingers in it. The customer asked, "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?" The server replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm." The customer said, "Then shove it up your ass!" Then the server said, "Yeah, that's where I keep it when I'm not serving tea".


When my girlfriend and I break up and she screws 10 guys, she's an "empowered woman".
But when I do it I'm "gay".


Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital. The doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.


Me: “I’m pissed at them.”
Wife: “Maybe they didn’t mean it.
Contrast...
Wife: “I’m pissed at them.”
Me: “Let’s make them regret it.”


I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.


A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"


My friend and I had arranged a meeting to insult each other but he didn't show up.
It was a diss appointment.


A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, “Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight”. Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten." Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework." And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" She asked her son to which he replied, "Yes". Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked if she was teaching them to say, “Two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.” Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them and asks the woman in front of him, “What is this queue for?”
“Just for fun”, says the women.
“But what if I don’t want to stand in the queue?” the Brit asks.
To which the woman replies, “That’s what the other queue is for”.


I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut the f* up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.


America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.
Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.


My favorite sex position is called "the JFK".
She screams and tries to crawl out of the back seat while I go splooey all over her dress.


Ad: I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows.
Signed: Ben the ornithologist.


I have a lactose-intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.
He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.


I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.


Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park
I asked him, "Why are you eating grass?"
He said, "I am very hungry"
I replied, "Oh, okay then. Come with me."
You should've seen his face when I showed him my backyard.


I saw a homeless man looking sad as I was driving past the park on my way home from the bank one day. I parked and went to ask him why he was sad. He pointed to his shoes and said
"My shoes are so worn, the sole is thin and falling off. I could step on a dime and tell the date."
I felt sorry for him so I went to my car and took out a wad of cash I had just got out of the bank. I took off the rubber band that was keeping it together and handed it to him.
"Use that to keep your soles together"


Today I donated my watch, around $500, and my phone to a homeless guy. You do not know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.


It was the first night for a newlywed couple. The bride was still a virgin because she heard how much sex can hurt if a man has a large dick.
To make his bride feel at ease, the groom said to her, "OK, I am going to go outside and slowly show you my dick through the door. Stay calm, there is nothing to be afraid of".
So he walked out, leaving the door slightly ajar and then stuck a little bit of his dick through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" She chuckled a little and said, "Nope!"
He then pushed a little more through the gap and again he asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope" she replied.
He pushed some more through the gap and asked, "Does that scare you?" "Nope," she said laughing.
He then said, "Alright, you seem to be okay with it. I'm coming up the stairs now!"


What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.


What's the difference between Donald Trump and Barack Obama?
One gets made fun of for the color of his skin, and the other is Barack Obama!


I was offered sex with a 21-year-old girl today. In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a man with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available in lemon and vanilla scents!


Hat-check girl to Mae West, "Goodness! Where did you get that gorgeous mink coat?"
Mae West, "Goodness had nothing to do with it!"


How do you turn a pussy into a dick?
Give 'em a badge.


A wife goes on a trip for work. When she returns, she finds a pair of panties in her dresser that do not belong to her.
Furious, she questions her husband. The husband says, “I have no idea where they came from I don’t do the laundry!”
So, the wife goes to the maid and questions her. Indignant, the maid replies, “Madam, how should I know? These panties don’t belong to me. I don’t even wear panties, just ask your husband!”


I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody's joke and post it on a different social media platform.
Repost if you agree.


My girlfriend gives the best handjobs.
In fact, she won the Pullitsurprise.


A man was walking home drunk and he decides to take a short cut over a field. In the far end he notices some flashing lights coming from a barn house.
As he gets closer he looks through the window, and to his surprise sees a man in a T-shirt dancing while slowly taking off his overalls.
Drunk as he is, he opens the door and the farmer quickly turns around with a very shocked and embarrassed look on his face.
"What the hell is going on here?" the drunk asks.
"Oh my, nobody was supposed to see this," the farmer says. "But I guess I'll have to explain. My wife and are going through some trouble in the bedroom, so we went to see a therapist. He said the best advice he had was for me to do something sexy to a tractor".


I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday.
When I woke up this morning, one of the kids was gone.


I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees. The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over. “You’ve given me one too many”, I said. The clerk said, “The extra one is a freebie”.