4850 - Saturday jokes

I don't like the term Anal Bleaching.
I prefer calling it Changing Your Ringtone.


My roommate just told me, “I can’t remember whether I took my anti-anxiety medication or not.”
I said, “Are you worried about it?”


My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee. Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women. And that's when she told me, "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!"


At age 13, I was blessed with an eight-inch penis.
And three years later, that priest went to prison.


There's a woman in the park who sells batteries.
She sells C cells by the seesaw.


At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
The inmate responded, "It’s bec..."
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have...
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.


My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it.


Everyone knows Alan Turing who cracked Enigma codes.
But nobody knows his sister Kay, who provided drinks, snacks, and sandwiches for him and his colleagues during that time.


A woman woke up and told her husband about a dream she'd just had. "I was at an auction for Penises. The big ones sold for $1000 and the tiny ones for $10."
Husband: "What about one my size?"
Wife: "Didn't get a bid!"
Pissed off and wanting revenge, the next morning he told his wife he'd had a dream too: "I was at an auction for pussies. The really tight ones sold for $1000 and the loose ones for $10."
Wife: "What about ones like mine?"
Husband: "That's where they held the auction."


As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.


People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well, I got a few Twix up my sleeve.


Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
On the day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says “you may begin the test.”
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
“Which tire was flat?”


It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.
I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week.
My mum was not happy!


This shutdown is bad for everyone in the service industry, but it especially sucks for men.
We're losing $1 for every $.79 women are losing.


An old man is at home on his death bed when suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And there they are on a plate just out of the oven. And with his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No, these are for the funeral!"


How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane.


I've asked tons of people what LGBTQ stands for, but I never get a straight answer.


Mechanic: "When were your tires last rotated?"
Me: "On the way here."


Everyone knows about comedian Bill Burr.
Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.


'Eat shit and die' is a reasonable to-do list for day 28 in the life of a housefly.


What do you call a vegan prostitute?
A herbiwhore.


My brother and sister used to be so mean to me. One time, they tricked me into eating some fish shit after telling me it was chocolate.
They were bass turds!


What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson with no shirt pouring champagne all over himself?
An astrofizzytits.