4864 - Saturday jokes

Remember, the spread of the coronavirus depends on two factors: how dense your population is and how dense your population is.


In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.


Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake.


My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took down his confederate flag.


My 10 year old son got our maid pregnant.
That little bastard punctured my condoms.


If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?
Plastic explosives.


A man with hearing problems crashed his car into an expensive car. The owner of the expensive car walks out of his house and says, “Give me 10,000 dollars or I’ll beat the hell out of you!” The man replies, “Woah woah buddy I don’t have that much, but let me call my son he trains dolphins”. The man calls his son and right as he was about to talk the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says, “So you train dolphins? Well bring me 10,000 dollars or I’ll beat your dad!”. The son answers, “Okay give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.” 15 minutes later the son pulls up with a jeep and out comes 10 men which start beating the crap out of the owner of the car. Meanwhile, the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals, not dolphins.”


My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.


This is such a horrible time for the NRA.
First schools are closed, and now this.


What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two.


I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years, after I found she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.


After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"


Judge, "On what grounds do you want a divorce?"
Husband, "My wife is out all night, every night! From bar to bar, almost visits all the bars and pubs in town every damn day!"
Judge, "You mean to say she's severely alcoholic and cheats on you every day?"
Husband, "No, she's out looking for me!"


My smartass 14-year-old son challenged me to a game of Tekken the other day, in front of his mates.
I finished him off with a killer combo in under 30 seconds, before proudly exclaiming, “Who’s your Daddy?”
He replied, “Mum says it was probably the milkman.”


My GF Kate asked me if I could ever love another girl. I told her actually I would, if she looks just like her but younger. She smiled and said, "Will she call me mommy?"
"Well, I don't know Kate, does your sister call you mommy?"


I’ve been bored lately so I decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors said they’ll call the police unless I put it back.


Three men are chatting when the first says, "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber.
"I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A pipe."
"I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician," says the second. "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A box of fuses."
"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse," says the third man.
The others stare, shocked and bewildered.
"How can you tell?" they ask.
"Because," replies the third man, "I went home last night, and what did I find under the bed? A jockey."


I just left my job. I couldn’t work for that man after what he said to me.
What did he say?
You’re fired.


I went to the bank to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID. I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?


My friend is making a lot of money by taking pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.
It’s like shooting fish in apparel.


A man gets sick and fearing he might have COVID, goes to get tested.
When the results of his test come back he gets called in and the person asks him, “First, are you a Democrat or Republican?”
The man says, “What? What does that have to do with anything?”
“Well, if you’re a Democrat you’ve got COVID. But if you’re a Republican, it’s just a hoax.”


A casket asked a sick casket,
"Is that you coughin'?"


I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said March 1st.
Been marching for half an hour now, and she still hasn’t told me.


Do homeless people get knock knock jokes?


I was wondering why there were so many stories about vampires in Europe, but not in Africa. Then I realized Vampires are killed by Holy Water.
They bless the rains down in Africa.