4880 - Saturday jokes

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.
But he hesitated.


Him: I'm not handsome like Joe.
I'm not rich like Fred.
I'm not smart like Sam.
But gosh darn it, I love you and want to marry you.
Her: Oh! Oh my! I'm overwhelmed! What did you say about Fred?


A woman has to go to Italy for a 3 month work assignment, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the assignment is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How did things go?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I'm pregnant and it's a girl!”


The World Health Organization has said canines do not carry the virus and can be released from pounds. WHO let the dogs out.


Did you know you can't use 'beef stew' as a password? It's not stroganoff.


Karl Marx is a historically famous figure, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starters' pistol.


The recipe said, "Set oven to 180 degrees."
Now I can't open the oven door because it's facing the wall.


Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.
Thought I nailed it but nobody saw it.


My girlfriend said she can't see too well without her glasses.
So I asked her what numbers she could see.


Doctor: I think you have 'Backstreet Boys Syndrome'.
Patient: Tell me why.


What do you call a slow moving poop?
A turdle.


If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just calmly talk to the lock.
Because communication is the key.


I knew a woman who owned a taser.
Man, she was stunning!


This is the first year our family won't be going to Hawaii because of COVID-19.
Usually, it's because we can't afford it.


I called my wife and asked her if I should pick up Fish and Chips on the way home from work.
She hung up on me.
She's still angry she let me name the kids.


A burglar broke into my house.
I put the red dot on his chest and my cat did the rest.


What's the opposite of soup?
Sodown.


A man was found guilty of overusing commas.
The judge told him to expect a really long sentence.


The people that misuse to and too upset me.
It happens far two often.


My daughter touched a spear and said, "Daddy, that hurt me!"
I said, "That's the point."


I saw a dog with a prosthetic limb.
It was a faux paw.


Hooked my stereo up to my recliner.
Now it's a rocking chair.


What's an old snowman called?
A puddle.


Waiter: Do you have reservations?
Me: Yeah, but I think I'll eat here anyway.


Customer: Can I ask about the menu, please?
Waitress: The men I please are none of your business.


As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me and said,
"Y’know, one would have been enough."


My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.
I told him, "You will be mist".


I was watching porn with my girlfriend and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, "Agree, he didn't even fix the sink."
“Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”


Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend.
Dad: You know, you could do better.
Son: Thanks Dad, that means a lot.
Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.


After winning the game I decided to throw my ball into the crowd.
Apparently, that’s frowned upon in bowling.