Saturday, August 29, 2020

4887 - Saturday jokes

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“
I said, “This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water and I was like "well, damn".

First girl: "I never talk during sex".
Friend: "Why not?"
FG: "My mom told me never to talk to strangers."

Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you.
Smoking bacon will cure it.

Son: I just want to delete all my social accounts and go live in the woods.
Dad: You just can't Thoreau your life away!

When life gives you lemons, freeze them and throw them at the people that are making your life difficult.

Her: Fuck anyone who doesn't like you!
Her2: Wow, that's a lot of sex.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.

The re-opening of LEGO stores was a big event in 2020.
Oh yeah. People were lined up for blocks.

Went to a cannibal wedding.
All was going well until they decided to toast the bride and groom.

It doesn't matter how old you are, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

Ladies, don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open.
Be a strong confidant woman, walk over, and zip it up for him.

My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed.
In my defense, it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.
When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are pedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just head straight to hell!"
Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.
St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

President Trump just banned shredded cheeses.
He wants to Make American Grate Again.

Three brothers aged 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"
The 92-year-old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

I used to work at a cat's home, but I had to leave.
They reduced meowers.

My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.
I told them, "Just you wait!"

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

Blonde: "Do you have any children?"
Me: "Yes, I have one, that's just under 2."
Blonde: "I may be blonde, but I do know how many 1 is."

There’s a blonde and a brunette sitting in a bar checking out guys. The brunette sees a good looking guy but notices he has dandruff. The brunette says, “he’s cute but he could use some head & shoulders”. The blonde replies, “how do you give shoulders”

Larry, the clumsy carpenter, was using his table saw and leaned in close to check he was following the line he had marked on the plank.
ZANNGGG! His left ear gets neatly severed, tumbles through the air, and lands in the pile of sawdust.
Screaming in pain and panic, Larry drops to the ground, one hand pressed against his head and the other sifting through the sawdust.
Joe, hearing the commotion, races over to help. When Larry tells him what happened Joe starts searching too.
Suddenly Joe pulls a bloody left ear from the sawdust, "Is this it Larry?", he asks.
Larry takes a look and then goes back to searching.
"Nah, mine had a pencil behind it."

Are you sick of lawyers trying to sell you stuff on tv?
You might be entitled to compensation.

I feel that Disney is taking the "Rainforest Cafe" theme a bit to seriously.
I was just sitting there eating when they bulldozed half of the place down.

My body is like a Greek Temple.
In ruins.

In 2016, Jerry Falwell Jr. brought the Evangelicals to vote for Trump.
In 2020, he's going for the SWING vote.

Sean Penn is 32 years older than his girlfriend and it’s baffling mathematicians.
He’s proven that 59 does go into 27.

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
50, if you slice them very thinly.

I took out my ex today!
Never thought being a sniper would come in handy.

How ironic, a tornado tore through Miss Oklahoma's vegetable patch the day after she was crowned Miss America.
She actually got whirled peas.

My wife would use a vibrator a lot when she was pregnant.
Now my kid has a pretty bad stutter.

Hey Doctor, What's a healthy lifestyle choice so I can lose weight.
- You need to get up early.
- What, from sleeping?
- No, from the table.

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me.
So on paper, I'm a millionaire.

How do Hawaiians react to a reposted joke?
A low ha.

Windows loves to mess with me.
Windows: "The device wasn't able to connect to the internet due to connection error."
Also windows: "Would you like to go online to search for a solution?"

What does 70-year-old pussy taste like?
(No it doesn't.)


Elephant's Child said...

Lots of groaners there.
As well as being clumsy Larry isn't the sharpest tool in the shed - which is probably just as well. I don't think that would get on well with sharp things.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

"You can't just Thoreau your life away," LOL

Mike said...

EC - Over the years I've almost been Larry a couple of times.

DSWS - That joke took a lot of thought. Congrats to the writer whoever they might be.

Ami said...

Hahaha... 'Ugly and poor'

Mike said...

A - I don't think that's me. Sometimes I'm not sure.