4901 - Saturday jokes

 

I said to my wife, “I’m stuck on this crossword clue “Overworked Postman”— can you help?”

She said, “Sure. How many letters?” 

Me: I’m guessing, too many.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government but refuses to talk about it publicly.

They call her ‘Cagey B’.

Wife: You got kicked out of Hobby Lobby for dipping your testicles into the glitter!?

Husband: Pretty nuts, huh?

*****

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way to his office, he regretted it and decided it wasn't worth the price. So, he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following note: "Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:

It had never been occupied. That there was plenty of heat. That it was small enough to make me cozy and feel at home. Last night, however, I found it had been previously occupied, that there was no heat, and it was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir, first of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is heat if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady!

Please be so kind as to send a check for the full amount of $500, or I'll be forced to contact your current landlady.

*****

Mama, is this safe to eat?

No honey... it’s for storing our valuables.

I found a butt plug on the ground.

Some asshole must have dropped it.

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. 

I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday.

So the courier guy knocked on the door today to check if we were ok.

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

He quietly leaves the room and calls the butler.

"John, could you please bring me my saber."

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

"John, please bring a band-aid for the gentleman and a corkscrew for the lady."

The joke industry has been hit particularly hard by COVID.

Nobody has walked into a bar in months.

I want to make a joke about misogyny.

But I'm a woman, and I can't make jokes.

I was having sex the other day when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

I renamed my iPhone “The Titanic”.

So when I plug it in my computer it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

I just dropped my phone in the bath.

Now it's syncing.

My lesbian next-door neighbors just gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I really like it but I think they misunderstood when I said, “I wanna watch”.

Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.

Now they're spreading like wildfire.

*****

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be upset, I shall be home before midnight.

When he came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My "Dearest Husband",

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old.

As a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful lawyer who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

*****

What happens if you put the dildo in the oven?

You get dill bread.

My friend said we should tear down statues of Stephen Hawking.

I didn’t know there were any statues of Stephen Hawking still standing.

I love E-bay.

I sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.

My GF said she's leaving me because of my obsession with TV Dramas. But will she really leave me?

Find out next week!

My granddad said I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

A guy is walking with a young boy into the woods.

Boy, "Hey mister it's getting dark out and I'm scared".

Man, "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone".

I can't stop watching movies with strong female leads.

I'm a heroine addict.

A friend of mine works making furniture.

He fell into the upholstery machine.

Took a while to get him out.

He's recovered now.

I begged a judge to let me off jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can do just fine without me for a few days.

But that's exactly what I don't want them to figure out.

What do you call a guy who can’t stop looking at girl’s butts?

A Crack Addict!

I’m allergic to cotton.

I would take medicine for it, but I can’t get it out of the bottle.

A list of things I don’t like...

1. Jokes

2. Irony

3. Lists

Had a friend tell me that there's no manlier feeling than doing some carpentry after sex. I got curious.

I came, I saw, I concurred.