Saturday, September 26, 2020

4915 - Saturday jokes

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks. "What's with the paper towel?" The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a bounty on me head."

Don't buy plastic skeletons for Halloween. Locally sourced natural skeletons are more environmentally friendly.

I'm great at spelling bees. But hopeless at spelling other words.

Did you know ants never get sick? It's because they have anty bodies.

Why can’t you date Kate & Edith at the same time?
Cuz you can’t have your Kate and Edith too.

Woke up to the news of my Korean friend dying this morning.
He was So Yung.

If you see a robbery at an Apple store does that make you an iWitness?

Every time you light your lighter it gets lighter until it's so light it won't light.

I went bald early in my life. But I still have my comb. I just can't part with it.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg.
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?

Him: “Is your stomach flat?”
Me: “Yes, but the L is silent.”

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm it would be justwater.

Early in his career, Harry Houdini would always use trapdoors.
It was a stage he was going through.

If you’re Russian going into the bathroom and you’re Finnish when you come out, what are you while you’re in there?

Me: "When's your birthday?"
Her: "March first."
Me: Tromping around the room, "When's your birthday?"

Me: I saw a moose on the way to work this morning.
Her: How did you know he was on his way to work?

The beef for dinner is available in portions of 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 ounces.
What's with all the weird sizes?
It's prime rib.

I've combined a laxative and alphabet soup.
I call it 'letter rip'.

The 72 virgins were not what I expected.
Turns out it was just an IT admin meeting.

I‘m scared of dying a virgin.
I don’t want to end up in the afterlife as the sex slave of some repressed gay Taliban with 71 other IT guys.

I sell security alarms door to door, and I'm really good at it.
If no one is home, I just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

My friend told me, “You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.

Why doesn't Chick-fil-a have a double chicken sandwich?
2 chicks together isn't really their thing.

So my Professor said, "If you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"
I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a mime, and beat the crap out of him!"

Russian tRUMP history in five words: "And then things got worse."

My daughter can't decide whether she wants to be a hairdresser or a short story writer.
I guess she'll have to flip a coin.
Heads or Tales.

Porn videos do not reflect reality.
They give a warped perception of how quickly the plumber will come to your house.

A man is in bed with his wife. He slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back... then suddenly STOPS!
Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"
Man: "I found the remote. You can go back to sleep now."

I went to the hardware store today. I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the assistant if it was any good for ants.
"Nope," said the man, "it'll kill them."

A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks her to tell him about his future.
Fortune Teller: You will encounter a very beautiful girl in your life and you will lose your heart to her.
Frog: (Being excited) Where will I meet her?
Fortune Teller: In a biology class.

I googled "missing medieval servant" and it came back "Page not found".

20 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Jobs, and no Hope.
I really hope Kevin Bacon doesn’t die.

So a guy walks into a bar, the bartender says what can I get ya, the guy says, "I'll take a Corona and 2 hurricanes." The bartender said, "That'll be 20.20".


Elephant's Child said...

Lots of groans here.
The last is sadly true - and not funny.

Mike said...

EC - 2020, 3 more months to go.

RO said...

I don't know where in the world you find these, but they always make me giggle with glee. Thanks for the Super Saturday Smiles and sending some hugs your way! RO

John A Hill said...

2 chicks together isn't their thing!

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I had to stop after "Bounty on me head." Just couldn't go on.

Mike said...

RO - Hugs back. Most of these were a special find. I was surprised myself by how many of them I hadn't heard.

JH - Sad but very true.

DSWS - No you didn't!

allenwoodhaven said...

Leaving the brochure on the table is a good sales pitch!

Lot's of groaners but very clever. I hadn't seen most of them before. Thanks!

Mike said...

AW - It makes a point for sure.

Lady M said...

The seconds a classic - wish I could find a natural locally sourced skeleton.

Mike said...

LM - You need to find your local FBI body farm and sneak in some night. You don't have much time left. Hop to it!

Chief Squirrel said...

My doctor told me to stop smoking, drinking and chasing wild women! I asked if that will make me live longer? He said, No… it will just FEEL longer!!

Mike said...

CS - HA!