4922 - Saturday jokes

tRUMP has the COVID. Really! No, really. This is not a joke. But if it were a joke it would be a good one. But it's better. It's real!


Trump tests positive for COVID-19.
He finally passed a test without cheating.


Trump couldn't find the cure for the Coronavirus.
But the Coronavirus may have found the cure for Trump.


Can't believe trump tested positive for COVID-19.
All he had to do was to not get tested.


What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?
Trump dodged the Vietnam War.


Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst.
A full recovery.


They say Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19,
when he couldn’t smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.


Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.
Looks like RBG won her first case before God.


Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.
I've tested negative for sympathy.


When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize,
go for the Darwin Award!


After all the stupid things I've done in my life, if I die because I touched my face, I'm gonna be pissed.


Have you ever played quiet tennis?
It's like normal tennis but without the racket.


I tried dating a fitness instructor but she didn't work out.


I worked with an anesthesiologist one time; it was a gas!


I tried dating an anesthesiologist, but it didn't work out.
The break up was painless though.


Headline: Skepticism reaches all time high.
Well, don't believe everything you read.


A recent study has discovered a new strain of lice that is resistant to conventional treatment.
It's left scientists scratching their heads.


Sal Monella's deli went out of business.


Blond: Do you have any children.
Guy: Yes, I have one that's just under two.
Blond: I know how many one is!


Teacher: Give me a sentence that includes the words, defense, defeat, and detail.
Student: When a horse jumps over defense, defeat go first, and then detail.


Scuffle. Brawl. Melee. Altercation!
Hold it right there stranger! Them's fightin' words!


It was raining pennies from heaven.
The reason? Climate change.


Sale. Dead batteries. Free of charge.


I have a friend who speaks to his garden.
Jack and the beans talk.


There are 4000 religions in the world.
There's going to be a lot of people in hell going, "Who'd YOU think it was?"


In Greek mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine.
That made him the Centaur for Disease Control.


Teacher: Darren, why haven't you handed in your poetry homework yet?
Darren: I have no explanation.
(No rhyme or reason.)


I bought some eggs that were already hatching.
They were going cheep.


I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were pissed.


Nothing starts with an N and ends with a G.


What's love? That's when a couple can start a fight without saying anything.


A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed downtown yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

A girl talked to me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is f**king epic."

What's the difference between rednecks and a political advisor?

Some hicks got the president into the White House, and another Hicks got him out.

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself and won.

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I may vote for it.

My wife asked if we were finally going to get round to watching Gaslight.

I had to remind her we'd already seen it and she loved it.

My daughters fall asleep to white noise.

So in the evenings, we turn on Fox News.

He had a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backward, forward, then backward again...... back and forth.... in and out....... She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end... her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the car! You do it, you smug asshole!"

Are people born with photographic memories?

Or do they take a while to develop?

Did you sign up for the 401K?
Nope, there's no way I can run that far.


Does swimming in debt count as cardio?


Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.


A friend failed his exam in aboriginal music.
I asked him, "Didja redo it?"