4929 - Saturday jokes

 

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?” So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers.

You don't see med students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you 'why' you want fries with that.

Instead of water, I put Redbull in my coffee maker this morning.

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

For my chemistry homework, I was supposed to write a thousand words on acid.

I tried, but my pen turned into a rainbow-colored giraffe, and then the desk grew wings and flew away.

Children are born with 4 kidneys.

Upon maturity, 2 develop into adult knees.

An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims, and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head and says, "Even with all my power, I cannot achieve such a feat. You must wish for something else."

"In that case," the old man says, "I just wish that my wife would give me a blowjob."

The genie thinks for a moment and says, "Let me see that map again..."

(Is this true Jewish girls? Huh?)

A wife finds out she’s pregnant and surprises her husband with the news, “Honey, I’m pregnant!”

“Are you kidding me?”, her husband asks.

“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah.”

A girl looked at me funny last night as I struggled to take her bra off.

She was probably wondering why I had it on in the first place.

I need to re-home a dog.

It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

A husband says to his wife, “My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I’ll wear the Gold tonight.”

The wife replies, “Why not wear silver and come second for a change?”

I went to the dentist and got all caps on my teeth.

Now I can't help but SHOUT EVERY TIME I TALK.

I came home early from work the other day and caught my wife in bed with my best friend! So I did what any man would do in a situation like that. I hit him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper and told him, "Bad dog! Get down! You know you're not allowed on the bed!

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.

So I took down his confederate flag.

When Ralph first noticed his penis was growing longer and staying erect longer he was delighted, as was his wife. After several weeks his penis had grown to sixteen inches. Ralph became quite concerned as he was having problems dressing and a lot of trouble walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.

“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the doctor.

“Well,” said Ralph’s wife coldly, “you are going to lengthen his legs, aren’t you?”

An Irish girl came home with a depressed look on her face.

Her mother says, "What's wrong m'deary?" Her daughter says, "I've got a case of chlamydia."

The mother says, "Tis fine love. Put it down in the cellar. Your father will drink anything."

I just got a pet raven. I'm going to name him Nineteen.

Corvid Nineteen.

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can grip their broom better.

I bought a new mattress today but I’m not sure whether I like it or not.

I’ll sleep on it.

What do you call sex when you're just not feelin' it?

Forlornication.

Being deemed an "essential worker"...

Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.

Why couldn’t the pepper practice archery?

He didn’t hab-an-ero.

For the first time in my life, I can walk past a balloon and it doesn’t stick to me.

I’m absolutely ex-static!

What's the Presidential ventilator called?

Forced Air One.

A young woman is golfing when suddenly she is stung by a bee.

She decides to return back to the clubhouse to get first aid. She walks up to the men running the clubhouse and tells them that she was stung.

One man asks, "Where were you stung?".

She replies, "Between the first and second hole".

The men chuckle and then one tells her, "Your stance is too wide".

My atheist friend recently came out as transgender and decided to become a Christian.

They're a "she" now, but they were a heathen.

You know you're ugly when you go to a haunted house and come out with an application. 

When you start to excel.

People tend to spreadsheet about you.

Why don't zombies eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.