4936 - Saturday jokes

 

I haven't been active in my Scrabble Club lately.

Now they are sending me threatening letters.

I thought you said you were interesting!

No, I said I was into resting.

Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.

How about Biden just debate Alec Baldwin in the final debate?

So...Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter for 6 people? I'm still looking for 4 more adults to join us. We leave early Saturday morning from St. Clairsville to Pittsburgh Airport and will fly to Myrtle Beach where we will have breakfast, then have lunch on a friend’s yacht. We’ll do a flight up the coast to see the ocean, returning to Myrtle Beach for dinner, then back home.

If interested, please message me. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

I don’t think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds.

Because every time I take them she goes away.

I date a girl with multiple personalities so I don’t have the urge to cheat.

A stripper got fired for telling me who to vote for.

Apparently, pole workers can't do that.

After the Second World War, Warsaw sent out a census to every country in the world, trying to account for their scattered population.

It was a pole to pole Poles poll.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it…

…then my illegal logging business is a success.

My buddy got fired today for telling a female customer, “Whatever shampoo that is keep it up! Sure smells good!”

I'm gonna miss that midget.

My wife told me that she was pregnant with twin girls. I told her that I wanted to name the first one Kate. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. 

I said, "Duplicate".

A man from Saudia Arabia got caught stealing a hand sanitizer.

He won't be needing it anymore.

I told my suitcases that there will be no holiday this year.

I am now dealing with emotional baggage.

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this instant, the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and the boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts."

My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting.

I suspect he's got black toast intolerance.

Therapist, "So what brings the two of you here today?"

My wife said, "It’s impossible to live with him. He’s too literal."

I said, "My truck."

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

A patient walks into an optometrist's office.

The optometrist starts the eye exam and casually asks her if there's any particular reason she came in for a checkup.

"Doctor, I think am having hallucinations. Every time I open my eyes, I see really dark things. Evil. Malice. Hatred. Plague. I am seeing the worst in everything. Nothing looks like it used to. It's as if everything I see is shrouded in darkness."

The optometrist sits back from the patient, confused.

"That's interesting," he said, "because from what I can tell, you see 20/20."

Was watching Netflix with my friend when the new sink I ordered finally reached my house.

So I said to him, "I'm going to pause to let that sink in".

If my son becomes a priest, should I call him father or son?

Jesus had a problem completing a crossword.

He got stuck on 2 across.

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, and they proposed "Hysteria and Posteriors."

The doctors didn't find it acceptable, so they suggested "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

The town didn't like that either and countered with "Catatonics and High Colonics."

Thumbs down again.

By now the story was in the papers, and suggestions began rolling in: "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentive." "Minds and Behinds." "Lost Souls and Assholes." "Analysis and Anal Cysts." "Queers and Rears." "Nuts and Butts." "Freaks and Cheeks." "Loons and Moons."

None of these satisfied one side or the other, but they finally settled on...

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

I stole some gardening equipment from a pimp.

He found me, grabbed me by my collar, and shouted, "Where my hoes at?"

For my next trick I will disappear.

Fuck you pear, I never did like you!

My friend told me he got hit hard, lost 40% of his net profit in the market in the last year.

I said, "So? I lost 85% of my net worth in the market in 1 day".

He said, "What? Was it in a mutual fund?!"

I said, "No....my iPhone was stolen at the grocery store".

I just invented a DIY surgery kit

It’s called Suture Self.

Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl.

One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".

That was the punchline.