4950 - Saturday jokes

How can you tell a girl ghost from a boy ghost?

Girl ghosts have boooooooobs!

Boy ghosts have hollow weenies. 

I ate a ghost once. I wouldn't recommend it.

Tasted like sheet.

Why aren't morgues round?

Because then there'd be no coroners.

Why should you never goose a ghost?

You might get a handful of sheet!

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks, I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

It's untrue that most women want to get married. I've asked loads and they've all said no.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor. More on this after the break.

"Doctor my bottom hurts." 

Doc, "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?" 

Patient, "Right around the entrance."

Doc, "As long as you keep calling it an entrance, it's gonna' hurt."

"Boy, I'm scared," a man said to one of his friends. "I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife." "Well," replied his friend, "I guess you'll have to stop seeing his wife." "Easy for you to say," the first guy said. "You like her that much?" the friend asked. "It's not that," declared the man, "He didn't sign his name."

My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess." "Shhh", I said, "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright." "No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend, and your father." "I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

Trump was feeling the pressure of the office and stood before the portraits of our greatest leaders. Looking at Washington, the Donald said, "George, you were the first. Can you give me some advice?" A ghostly voice replied, "Tell the truth". Trump knew that wouldn't work, so next went to Jefferson. "Tom, you wrote the constitution. Do you have any words for me?" Another voice said, "Be for the people". As he had always placed himself before everyone, Trump moved on. He stood before Lincoln and asked, "Abe, you are one of the greatest. Can you advise me?" A new voice drifted by saying, "Go to the Theater".

What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hamboogers.

I know, I know, Snot funny.

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash. As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too. The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide. The dentist got close enough and said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?" Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?" The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench, eating six bars of chocolate.

A man walked up and noticed Johnny devouring the sweets.

“Son,” said the man, “eating too much candy isn’t good for you.”

“My grandfather lived to be 100,” Johnny replies.

“Did he eat six chocolate bars a day, too?” the man asks.

“No,” said Johnny, “He minded his own fucking business.”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a pint of less.

The bartender asks, "What's less?"

The guy says, "I don't know, but my doctor said I have to start drinking it."

The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it, tell her, “Well, I guess now you really are... independent".

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At the start, you need a heart and a diamond. At the end, you need a club and a spade.

I could tell you a COVID joke.

But it would take 2 weeks to see if you get it.

My granddad always used to say, “As one door closes another one opens.”

Lovely man.

Terrible cabinet maker.

Our doctor told us we could have sex right up until the time of the baby’s birth.

So I don’t know why they got so upset with me in the delivery room.

Why is the NFSW tag still a thing?

Like people still have jobs!

My wife told me she is a poll worker.

I’m just surprised they pay her in all singles.

One Friday, two women were sitting and talking.

One woman looked up and saw her husband coming down the street with a bunch of flowers in his hand. She rolled her eyes and said, “Here comes the a**hole with flowers in his hand. Now he'll expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs in the air.”

Her friend promptly replied, “Don't you have a vase?”

The wife was in the ICU.

Doc: 'Seems like she is in a coma."

Husband: "Please save her, she is just 30."

Suddenly the ECG starts beeping, her hand moved, her lip mumbled,

"I'm 29".

A state trooper pulled over a guy for going too slow on the freeway and having too many flags on his car. As soon as the officer walked to the car the questioning began.

"Who are you? What is your name? Do you speak English? You look illegal to me. Are you legal? Where did you come from?"

"Ok first of all my name is officer Gonzales and I am supposed to be doing the questioning."

(You don't need to ask what kind of flags this guy had on his car.)

What do you call a dog that does magic?

A Labracadabrador.