4965 - Saturday jokes

 

I just saw some doofus at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill!

I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the Mall was packed.  As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to Look up and see her husband was nowhere around.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.  Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask Him where he was In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would Get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said,

"Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter tells them that they must each answer a biblical question to get in, but he reassures them that they're quite easy.

"Who was the first woman?" He says to the first nun.

"Eve." The gates swing open and she walks in.

"Where did Eve live?" He says to the second nun.

"The Garden of Eden." The gates swing open once more.

"Now, seeing as you're the Mother Superior, you must answer a more difficult question, what was the first thing Eve said when she saw Adam?" St. Peter says to the third nun.

"Oh, that's a hard one..."

The gates swing open.

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big tits".

I will never date a girl who doesn’t understand algebra jokes.

That’s why my x is no longer in the equation.

What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?

College.

You’re mom’s so slow...

...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

The person who proofread Hitler's speeches...

Would he technically be a grammar nazi?

As St. Peter is processing her, she hears a woman screaming in pain. She glances into the room that the screams are coming from, only to see Angels drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to attach her wings.

Shaken, she turns her attention back to St. Peter, only to hear a man screaming in agony from another room. She reluctantly glances into the room, only to see Angels drilling holes in the man's head to attach his halo.

She whips around to St. Peter, quickly stating, "I don't want to stay in Heaven, send me to the other place!"

"You don't want to go there" he replies. "They'll rape and sodomize you endlessly down there."

"I don't care", she answers. "At least I already have holes for that!"

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

I got mugged by 6 dwarves today.

Not Happy.

If Joe Biden's wife is called the First Lady, then what will his mother be called?

Joe mama.

(warning - math joke)

I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention.

It'll be as big as the last two put together.

Someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.

What the Hellmann?

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks.

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all.

I didn't run a marathon in 2018.

I didn't run a marathon in 2019. 

I didn't run a marathon in 2020. 

I've never run a marathon in my life. 

This is a running joke.

I know people take the age gap seriously but it's getting ridiculous

For example, as a twenty-two-year-old, I'll sometimes bring twenty-one-year-olds to the bar with me and it's nothing but mean and insensitive comments like they're too young to drink, and where'd you find 20 of them anyway?

What do girls and noodles have in common?

They both wiggle when you eat them.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through a stage.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter, she explained she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

He went around his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women.

He mails them to his girlfriend with the following note.

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."

There was an interspecies orgy going around the zoo. Kangaroos were fucking with gorillas, alligators with wolves, tigers with polar bears. An indignant lion comes to stop the orgy and says, “What a disgrace! Don’t you all know interspecies sex is prohibited in the word of God? You should be ashamed! Look, at least the elephant is wearing a condom!”

In which the kangaroo replies, “He’s not, the anaconda is sucking his dick”.

It was a 14-year-olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay", and walked away. 

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine repeated, "Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr. Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. 

The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you've been here asking to speak to Trump. I've told you each time that he's no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don't you get it?" The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it." 

The Marine snapped to attention and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice.

And now I’m ricest.

Breaking News: Trump has won another state!

The state of denial.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To bock traffic.

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow, weigh a pie.

Did you ever notice the word “dumbass” upside down looks like a car?