4980 - Saturday jokes

 

If having sex for money makes you a whore, having sex for free makes you a non-profit whoreganization.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal...transcend dental medication.

Friars behind on their belfry payments opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, a thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Conspiracy theorists are not skeptical.

They are aggressively gullible. 

I won $3 Million and decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75

Did you know in Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos? Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting. They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10. He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”. They put the left halfback in and removed the right half, asking him to count to 10 again. He says ‟1, 3, 5, 7, 9”. Finally, they decided to just go for it and removed the whole brain. They again asked him to count to 10 one more time. He says, ‟Look. I'm great at counting to 10, ok? I love numbers and I have the best numbers. No one has better numbers than I do. My 4th-grade math teacher - and let me tell you, she was the best and smartest math teacher in the country at the time - my 4th-grade math teacher said to me that I am the best counter she is ever seen. The best. So if you want me to count to 10, let me tell you I can count to 10 alright. That's no problem. I'll do it. I'll. And I will do it better than any has ever done it before, ok?”

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill. So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

Me on the phone: "My name is Matt, and I'm an alcoholic." 

AAA: "This is AAA, not AA."

Me: "Yeah, I was just explaining how my car got in the lake."

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store, Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot? Joe Bob replied, “That's silver and it costs $100!” “My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!” Mary Louise exclaimed. She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Jo Bob went to the back room to find a hinge. From the backroom, Joe Bob yelled, “Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?” To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

Why are they called paintings? When you're done, it's a painted.

A preacher asked his congregation for help one Sunday. The preacher stood up and asked his congregation for help by giving anything they could to Brother Thomas because his house burned down the other day. One man stood up and said "I have some old clothes and such he can have ""Thank you," said the preacher. Another man stood up and said, "I have some furniture he can have". "Thank you," said the preacher. A woman stood up and said, "I will give him pussy for 2 months "The preacher sputtered and said, "Sister!, what on earth has gotten into you? Why would you say such a thing? "She looked around and said, "Well when you asked if anyone could give anything to help Brother Thomas my husband elbowed me and whispered in my ear 'Fuck that guy'.

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him. 

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally". 

IRS AUDITOR: “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

Ancient Egyptian architect: "Do you know how to build a pyramid?"

Ancient Egyptian builder: "Well, up to a point."

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show. His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence, she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married maybe it is time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars. Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, ”Darling, what’s wrong?‟ ”There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife.‟ ”Ex-wife!‟, she screams, ”YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE! ‟Tom’s reply: ”I wasn’t‟.

A husband died. A few years later, the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes. "Darling, oh how I've missed you!" The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, "Woah there woman. The contract was until death."

A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl. That meant no sex before marriage. But he does not care, he loves her. After a year of dating, he decides it's time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. ‟Hello, sir, I am here to ask for your daughter's hand” A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks, ‟And why is that?”The guy lets out a long drawn-out sigh… ‟Well, it's just that mine have gotten tired.”

I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender. “Jamie O'Connor and me had a fight," says Paddy. “That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.” “Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?” “That I did," said Paddy. “Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

A blonde orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug, and licks the beer off her boobs. Each time the blond calls for another beer this happens. So after the third beer, a guy decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hits her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him! While lying on the floor moaning he said, "Jeez lady. Why do you let the bartender do it?" "Duh," says the blonde, "He has a licker license!"

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm, and the Fake Orgasm.

"The Holy Orgasm sounds like, ‟Oh God, oh god.” 

"The Positive Orgasm goes, ‟Yes, yes, oh yes.” 

"The Negative Orgasm goes, ‟no, no, oh no”. 

"And the fake orgasm, the fake one goes, ‟Oh, oh" 'insert the name of whoever you're telling the joke to'.

What are the 3 stages of sex after marriage?

Tri-weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

or

House sex - you have sex everywhere in the house

Bedroom sex - you only have sex in the bedroom

Hall sex - you pass each other in the hall and mutter “screw you”

11:45 - arrived at crime scene

11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle

11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain

11:45 - Realised watch was broken

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.

“I want you to marry Joe after I'm gone.”

“I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do.”