4987 - Saturday jokes

During my prostate exam, I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? 

‟Over there by mine”, wasn‘t the answer I was expecting.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said, "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.

"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man, "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied, "Too much trouble, Sarge."

The Sergeant growled at the young soldier, "I didn’t see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you very much, sir."

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital. “How are you grandpa?” he asks. “Feeling fine," says the old man. “What's the food like?” “Terrific, wonderful menus.” “And the nursing?” “Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.” “What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?” “No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light.” The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?” “Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die. 

I told him, "Usually an overdose". 

What did the new egg say to the boiling water?

I just got laid and you expect me to be hard in 3 minutes?

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"

Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

Your mom is so slow...

It took her nine months to make a joke.

A drunk is pulled from a bar in blazes, covered in soot and ash.

The firemen shake him.

The man finally starts to come to his senses and the fireman asks, "What happened?! How did the fire start?!"

The drunk shrugs and says, "Beats me. It was already on fire when I got here."

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your tea!"

Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it."

A woman and baby were in The doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

An elderly classical languages professor goes to Rome for a conference.

He hails a taxi as he leaves the airport, and the driver points to a sign saying "Tell driver your destination". The professor hesitates for a moment. He doesn't speak Italian but doesn't want the driver to misunderstand his directions in English. Suddenly realizing that Italian is descended from Latin he says, "Adducere me ad Marriott deversorium"

The cab driver nods and puts the car in gear. As he into traffic he says, "Wow, you sure haven't been to Rome for a long time."

So I'm tickling my little sister's foot, and my mom goes absolutely nuts and starts beating me up.

Nobody told me not to touch her until she's born.

Why did Quasimodo make such a great detective?

He always had a hunch.

The house just voted to decriminalize marijuana and Oregon recently decriminalized hard drugs.

It looks like drugs are winning the war on drugs.

What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day?

A geri-hat-trick.

Why is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

I put a little Viagra and some penis enlargement medication into my eyedrops.

It made me take a long, hard look at myself.

I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other.

Maybe it takes a village to raise a child.

I know it takes a vineyard to home school them.

A pacific island tribal king was infamous for conquering surrounding islands and stealing the defeated king’s throne, and then stowing it, like a trophy, in the attic of his grass hut.

One day when sitting on his throne in his grass hut, the ceiling collapses under the weight of his trophies, and the king is killed.

Which goes to prove that people in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

One looks into your genes, the other into your jeans.

My friend Will joined the army.

He's very uncomfortable with the phrase,

"Fire at will".

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first-year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably moose hunting with his buddies."

Does anyone know the oldest age that someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cutoff date.

I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic." I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.” ‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”