5001 - Saturday jokes

I let my accountant do my taxes because it saves time. Last spring it saved me ten years!

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. Now I think I have a percussion.

*Phone rings at work* 

Boss: Why don't you answer it?

Me: I'll let it ring for a while. That way they'll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.

Boss: ANSWER IT GODDAMMIT!

Me: 911, what's your emergency?

A doctor comes in for a consult on a woman's pregnancy. "Here is the good news, your child will always find a parking space."

A man takes off his shirt in the gym. A blonde comes up to him and says, "Wow what a great chest you have!" The man replies, "That's one hundred pounds of dynamite babe". The man then takes off his pants. The blonde says, "Wow! What great calf’s you have!" The man then replies, "That’s two hundred pounds of dynamite babe". The man then takes off his underwear. The blonde runs off screaming in fear. When the man catches up to her he asks, "Why did you run away?" The blonde replies, "I didn’t wanna be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was!"

A woman finds her husband hanging from the chandelier. She looks at him and says, "And once again the green tie with the blue suit. Come on, what have I been nagging him about for all these years?"

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing."

"Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

The phrase "nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied........"Arthritis."

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

My wife came home from Walmart complaining about the cashier being a royal bitch. I asked her if she was at the self-checkout. And that's when the fight started.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.” 

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh? Ten-tickles. Of course, it only has 8 of those. The first two were test-tickles!

My girlfriend asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.

I still can't figure out how he would even pick up the ball.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Why do women cry when they're angry?

Because they realize it's illegal to kill you, and that shit is frustrating.

Has someone told tRUMP that if he gives a concession speech it will get the highest TV ratings of all time?

What do you call a Christmas wreath made out of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen.

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese".

But it's just a curd to me.

A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels bed, “wow this bed is big!”

“Everything is big in Texas”, says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar sits on a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands, “wow these drinks are big.” “Everything is big in Texas”, says the bartender. After downing a few, the blind man asks for the bathroom. “Second door to the right”, says the bartender The blind man heads to the bathroom but accidentally opens the door that leads to the swimming pool and falls in. Popping his head from underwater, he flails his arms and shouts, “Don’t flush! Don’t flush!

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates.

It's called, "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans".

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says “they won’t wear you either, huh?”

The internet connection at my farm was spotty, so I moved my modem to the barn.

Now I have a stable connection.

What do you call a stable female?

A mare.

Today's weather forecast...

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S

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Scattered showers.

What do you call it when all the hens in the coup quit laying eggs?

Chicken tenders.

I was held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune-telling cards.

They must have thought I was a taroist.

What do you call it when a really buff lady has sex with a paper-thin lady?

Rock scissors paper.

Why did a blonde woman have bruises around her belly button?

Because she had a blonde boyfriend.

I know for a fact corporations are trying to put chips in our bodies.

Lay's and Ruffles are buy one get one free at the grocery store.

So I went to my optician because I noticed things were looking strange.

I told them I've been seeing lots of empty shelves and empty stadiums.

They said don't worry, you just have 2020 vision.