5008 - Saturday jokes

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Loraine. She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee. Good news though. I can see Claire Lee now, Loraine is gone.

What did the Tibetan monk say when he saw the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine?

"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two-foot salami under the other. She sets the poodle down on the bar and the bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The blonde says, "As a matter of fact, make it a double scotch on the rocks! I was just drying off after taking a shower when I overheard my boyfriend talking to one of his buddies on the phone. He said he was going to hide the salami in that bitch so I grabbed them both and got the hell out of there!"

A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said, “One box of large condoms to register 5.”

The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom, and said, “One box of medium-sized condoms to register 5.”

A few customers back there was a teenage boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way “too cool". When he got up to the register, he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom, and said, “Clean up at register 5!”

They say make-up sex is the best, which is good for me.

Because all my sex is made up.

If you watch Jaws backward it's a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms & legs to disabled people.

My wife called me from her work today and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!" I said, "That's probably why they got flowers then."

And that's when the fight started.

A horse walks into a bar

"Hey", the bartender said. 

"Sure", said the horse.

A pro wrestler is down to fight The Mad Monk, and his manager says to him, "Whatever you do, don't let him put you in the Mad Monk Hold. That's his signature move and no-one's ever gotten out of it."

But about five minutes into the fight, sure enough, our boy's all wrapped up like a human pretzel, with one arm going one way, one leg going another way, his spine all twisted and wound up like a spring and he can't even tell which way his head's on, and he realizes he's in the Mad Monk Hold.

Then he sees a familiar bulge hanging down just in front of his face, and he's pretty desperate, so he takes a deep breath and bites down as hard as he can.

Moments later there is a wild scream and the Mad Monk is flying out of the ring, and he lands in the fourth row of seats with a godawful crash, and before he manages to pick himself up and scramble back into the ring, he's been counted out.

And our boy staggers back to his corner after the referee has held his arm up, and the manager says, "What happened? How did you manage it? No-one's ever gotten out of the Mad Monk Hold!"

And the wrestler says, "Well, it's amazing the strength you find when you bite your own balls."

During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down.

But then her husband asked her to calm down.

"I’d like to buy an owl."

 "We don’t sell owls here."

"I don’t believe you. Someone told me you did."

 "Who?"

"Wait a minute, I just heard one."

What did Lieutenant Worf say when he made rainbow T-shirts with his son?

“Today is a good day to dye!”

A girl just told me she has feelings for me.

As examples, she mentioned irritation and vicarious embarrassment.

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

I’m starting a Buddhist newspaper.

It's called: The Daily Lama.

A friend got really mad at me for smelling his sister’s underwear. I don’t know if it’s because she was still wearing them, or because the whole family was there. Either way, it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

What do you get when you yell into a colander?

A strained voice.

Anyone out there looking for a companion?

Asking for a friend.

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the Kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

A guy that stutters is on the train. He is in a cabin with two other guys. He asks the one guy: "h-h-hey d-d-d-do you know wha-a-at t-t-time it is?" The other guy looks at him, doesn't reply. So the stuttering guy repeats his question: "h-h-hey d-d-d-do you know wha-a-at t-t-time it is?" Still nothing. So the stuttering guy angrily gets off at the next stop. The third guy in the cabin asks: "Hey man, why didn't you just tell him the time?" The other guy replies: "D-d-do you thi-i-ink i wa-a-ant to g-g-get b-b-beaten up?"

Bob and Ted went fishing.

They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

Bob: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

Ted: Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

Bob: You idiot! How do we know we'll get the same boat tomorrow?