5015 - Saturday jokes

A couple of days ago I looked in the fridge and figured I had enough milk to last to the end of the year.

Today, I'm not so sure.

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

He's such a loser that if there were a contest for losers he would come in second.

Any guesses as to who Cinderella calls when she runs out of toilet paper?

Prince Charmin!

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. : All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official.

I started a band called “Blanket”.

It’s a cover band.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

British English has only three vowels: A, I, O.

They have left E.U.

Therapist: Your wife says you never buy her flowers is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. : While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him: "Sir if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home. When in the USA, his wife came up to him and said: "I really love what you just did for my mom. That proves to me that you actually loved my mother and you respected her"Man: Babe, are you crazy?! Those Israelis are the same people who buried Jesus and three days later he came back to life. I'm not about to take that risk with your mother.

I just got accepted in a porn movie role.

I'm the husband going to work.

My wife said to me, "You're shagging that girl from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllwyrndrobwyllllantisiliogogogoch, aren't you?"

I said, "How could you say such a thing?"

Hooters is trying to stay afloat during this pandemic so they are starting door to door service thus a name change is in order.

They will now be known as Knockers.

Doctors have just discovered another deadly pathogen, they are calling it the Peekaboo Virus.

Doctors are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU.

Why is it called "a" symptomatic if you don't have symptoms?

Because if you did have symptoms you would "b" symptomatic!

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

In the word "scent", is the S or the C silent?

I remember when plastic surgery was a bit of a taboo subject.

But nowadays when you mention Botox no one raises an eyebrow.

One day, aliens make contact to Earth with a message proclaiming they not only come in peace, but confirm they also worshipped Jesus, confirming once and for all that He and religion were real.

In preparation for their arrival, a huge celebration and welcoming ceremony is planned, and all the Christian sects of the world miraculously come together to receive them.

The first of the aliens' ships touches down, and one alien walks down to greet everyone. The Pope comes out first to shake one of their hands to greet them. The Pope says, "We are forever grateful to learn we are not alone in being Children of God, but that we may also join together as one in order to praise our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

The alien replied, "Yep. The first time we stopped by we threw him a big party and we gave him a fruit basket before we left. What'd you guys do?"

Whenever my enemies are badly cut, I never throw salt in their wounds.

That would be adding in salt to injury.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?

Annette.

What do you call it when you’re milking a cow, and the milk goes everywhere but in the bucket?

Udder chaos.

Is it a solar or lunar eclipse where the sun passes in front of the moon?

Neither. That would be an apoca-clipse.

Two men were hunting deep in the woods one late afternoon. As the sun set over the horizon, the two hunters realized they were lost. Finding themselves outside of signal range and miles from civilization, they mulled over their options for rescue.

"Oh," one man perked up, "I remember reading that if you fire three shots in the air, it's a sign of distress for anyone in the area."

With a nod from his friend, the young man fired three shots into the air. After waiting another twenty minutes and seeing no sign of help, they fired three more times. After waiting another half hour, the two shared a glance of desperation.

"I don't think this is working."

"Yeah," his friend responded, "and we're running out of arrows."

A eunuch was complaining about erectile dysfunction.

He was diagnosed with Phantom Limp Syndrome.