5036 - Saturday jokes

Why is the National Rifle Association filing for bankruptcy? 

Because schools are closed.

I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork.

I think I nailed it.

A few people saw it and wood rather have knot.

I went to school with a girl named 'nonstick cooking spray'.

We tried calling her Pam.

But it didn't stick.

Horse 1: Do like to trot or amble?

Horse 2: I hate these gallop polls.

I love the phrase 'bear with me'.

It could mean please be patient,

or the heist at the zoo was a success.

There was a house that was haunted by a chicken.

It had a poultygeist.

What do you call a fear of giants?

Feefiphobia.

CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's pond often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!

Son: I was awarded the Leslie Nielson badge at school.

Dad: What's that?

Son: It's a big building with lots of kids.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise.

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: Can you what?!

I decided not to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

Doc: Describe your average night.

Me: They wear a suit of armor.

Doc: No, I mean at bedtime.

Me: They probably take it off.

"Oh! Oh! Dibs on pillaging their library!", said the little known cousin of Viking Eric the Red, Bjorn the well-read.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes", she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" 

A shop assistant fought off an armed robber with his labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Temp Agency: Can you do retail?

Lizard: Yes.

I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver. I can't believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for a job."  The German doctor replies: "That's nothing. In Germany, we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he was looking for a job." The Russian doctor replies: "Well, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he was looking for a job." The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver, and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

I dreamt I was getting beaten up repeatedly by a bike.

It was a vicious cycle.

I saw a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved.

Its natural beauty was unpresidented. 

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.

He had selfie steam issues.