5050 - Saturday jokes

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So post 5050 for Saturday jokes. Does that mean half of them will be bad? I hope not.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I had a switch that I would flip and nothing happened. I would flip it every once in a while anyway. Last Thursday I got a letter from a guy in Germany, saying cut it out.

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

Apparently, a man was smothered to death between a pair of breasts. There was no sign of a struggle.

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: I personally believe my biggest weakness is listening.

I like to reminisce with complete strangers.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.  No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

If humans held hands around the equator of the earth, most of them would drown.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door!

I have a condition that stops me from dieting. I get hungry.

My school's color was 'clear'. We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."

Yesterday I bought a sweet car online.

Previously owned by Neil Diamond.

My English teacher was grate.

Wear wood I bee without all she teached me?

I've started writing a book about hurricanes and tornados.

It's only a draft at the moment.

I swore 385 times during my last round of golf.

It was a new coarse record.

A cop pulls over a miner driving his car.

Cop, "Who's car is this, where are you going, and what do you do?"

Miner, "Mine".

I recently joined a Diabetes website.

I received a message, 'Do you accept cookies?'

Is this a trick question?

I phoned my Scottish boss this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I won't be able to come in today, I've got a bit of a cough".

He replied, "You have a wee cough laddie?"

I said, "Thanks boss. I'll see you next week".

The World Paper Tearing Champion has died today.

RIP

I was walking past the fridge last night when I thought I heard the onions singing Bee Gees songs.

When I opened the door, it was just the chives talking.

My friend's wife started reading 'The Exorcist'.

She said it was the evilest book she had ever read.

So evil she didn't finish it.

She took it to the seaside and threw it into the sea.

My friend bought a new copy.

He soaked it in the sink and placed it on her bedside table.

She didn't sleep for 4 days.

You know, when you are sitting on the toilet, and you notice you have no toilet paper?

So you have to do the silly 'trousers down waddle walk' to go and get a new roll?

Well, I'm currently halfway to the supermarket.

I was walking past the local woods.

Suddenly a bear comes out and approaches me.

He points back into the woods and says, "I'd give it 10 minutes, sir".

In ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison.

Poisons I, II, and III would kill you with varying degrees of pain and at different speeds.

However, poison IV would just make you really itchy.

I've just heard that the local prosthetics shop is changing hands.

I never thought I would be the kind of person who would get up at 5:00am and exercise.

And I was right.

First dog: "Would you like to hear a joke?"

Second dog: "Yes please".

First dog: "Knock knock".

Second dog: "Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof..."

I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.

I stopped fighting my inner demons, we're on the same side now.

I was in the supermarket the other day and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was Woman.

Who named Trojan condoms? The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, then broke open, and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone’s day up.

I knew a guy that would eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

I've never done that, but I ate a Swiss Miss that way once.

I went into a map store, and I asked the guy if he had any maps that weren't an aerial view. He started to cry, then told me to get out of his store.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Definition of Salary: A bribe your boss gives you to get out of bed.

I'm thinking it might be cheaper to become a doctor than go see one.