5057 - Saturday jokes

I stay in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.

A friend of mine has Reverse Tourette's Syndrome. Random people just swear at him for no reason.

Nothing in English starts with an N and ends with a G.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

The 1920s are known as the Roaring 20s. We should name this decade the Rollercoaster 20s because it looks like it is going to be a wild ride.

Wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?

Me: They're for the dogs.

Wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?

Me: They don't know how.

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch.

Yeti never complains.

(This was an abominable joke.)

We're putting together an expedition to capture the legendary Sasquatch.

If we're successful, it'll be no small feet.

What happened when the butcher backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

Did you know that a lost sock in the wash comes back to life as an extra Tupperware lid?

Want to know who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for a couple hours and see which one is happy to see you when you let them out.

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, so the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said, "That's it."

Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water you can wear it on your head, because it's capsized.

The doctor asked if I'd like to be knocked out with anesthesia or with a canoe paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

A few years ago I went out on the water in the fall. Being late in the year, it was rather cold, so we started a small fire to keep us warm in the boat.

The fire burned a hole in the bottom and it sank.

We learned you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

An explorer is investigating the ruins of an ancient temple.

He comes across a hidden switch that opens up a secret room.

Inside he finds a canoe with what appears to be a reflective rowing tool.

Unfortunately, it was just a mere oar.

When people type something wrong it is called a typo.

So if they say something wrong is it called a talko?

My gym membership costs $120 a year.

That’s pretty steep considering it’s $60 a visit.

A mother Chameleon was so overcome with joy when her eggs hatched that her camouflage dropped.

Looking down excitedly, she exclaimed, "I've become apparent!"

I remember when my mom would tuck me in.

She really wanted a daughter.

Doctor: Hello, I am calling from the hospital, I am afraid your wife has been brought in after a bad accident.

Husband: Oh my God, how is she?

Doctor: I am afraid she's critical.

Husband: Oh, don't worry, you get used to that after a while.

A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

What do you see when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

U.C.L.A.

Why do bagpipe players always walk while they play?

They're trying to get away from the noise.

Applicant: Shows up 45 minutes late for an interview to be a cable installer.

Interviewer: “You’re hired.”

Did you know the Mississippi river is a girl? 

If it was a guy it would be the Misterssippi river.